Post image for Throw Back Thursday: Angelina Jolie For People Magazine (1998)

Back in 1998, Angelina Jolie was my ultimate celebrity crush. I still think she’s gorgeous, but I miss the knife wielding, blood wearing, crazy Angelina with an edgy style. These days (and ever since her image reform) Angie is kind of boring. She’s too much of a goody two shoes what with her UN work and altruistic persona.

And now she’s getting a divorce from her OTP Brad Pitt! What in the world will happen now?! Brad was only interesting because he was married to Angelina Jolie. Let’s face it, when he was with Jennifer Aniston they were the blandest of the blandest. I don’t understand how she keeps attracting “cool” dude types. She must be really, really, really nice IRL.

I wonder who Angelina will end up with next? It’s anyone’s guess. There’s always hope that she gets back with her first husband,  Jonny Lee Miller. Sure, he’s married to someone else now, but that has never stopped Angie before. Hardy har har, but for realz though. Angie and Jonny back together would be magical.

Did you know that when they got married in 1996, Angie was wearing a white t-shirt with Jonny’s name written in blood on it?

I want that Angelina back.

In the meantime, I guess I could just look at these pictures all day while imagining a better time and place. Ah yes, the ’90s ,they were the true golden era. How good did we have when Bill Clinton was President? Amirite.

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Post image for Caroline Vreeland Topless At The Beach Is A Miracle

Caroline Vreeland‘s boobs are real, right? I really hope so, because I want to go on living in a world where such perfection can exist without the intervention of a plastic surgeon. I see so many fake boobs during the course of a normal work day that I don’t know what real boobs look like anymore unless they’re small and/or saggy.

If I see tits that are naturally big and round my first thought is always “Boob Job!,” because fake boobs are so damn prevalent these days that I just assume they’re EVERYWHERE.

It’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but with fake tits. I think this would be a great movie. I mean, if movies like Killer Condom, and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! can get greenlit, why not movies about sentient breast implants that try to take over the world.

I’m pretty sure that’s what all those paps are doing hiding in bushes with their cameras. They’re definitely lying in wait to catch a glimpse of the breast implant uprising first hand. Creepy photographers are clearly unsung heroes. We’re constantly shitting on paparazzi and to think that all this time they’ve been trying to prevent the breast apocalypse.

Fingers crossed that Caroline’s boobs are real, I wouldn’t want her to fall victim to a species of small blob aliens. Beware the blob, it eats you alive!

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Post image for Sex News: Talking Sex Dolls, Felted Boobs, & History Of Cunt

I went to court today to contest a ticket for something or other and I won! I actually won. I can’t believe the judge believed me.

Harmony is a new type of sex doll – one that can move and talk.

Her head, eyelids and lip movements are fairly crude and her conversation is even more limited.

But she is part of a new robotics revolution that is seeing artificial intelligence incorporated into an extremely human-like body.

Some think that it will revolutionise the way humans interact with robots while others believe that it represents the very worst in robotic advancement.

The uncanny valley – the idea that the closer we get to replicating the human form, the more scared we become of our creations – seems to have come to life in this unassuming factory on the outskirts of San Marcos, California.

[…]

The doll will go on sale later this year and there will be two versions – one with computer vision that enables it to recognise faces, which will cost $10,000 (£7,700) – and a cheaper version without vision for $5,000.

Whoa.

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Post image for Morning Jerk Before Work: Have You Met Vera Drake?

If you do an image search of Vera Drake, the first picture you’ll see if a kindly old English woman who used to give illegal abortions to women in the 1950s. Of course, that’s the plot to a highly acclaimed movie that was released in 2004 and not at all what I was looking for.

Not a pornstar.

Add “porn” or “pornstar” to that query and you’ll get the right Vera Drake.

Not an abortionist.

Vera’s been around since 2013 and I don’t understand why she isn’t more popular.

I mean, look at her!

Are you seeing this?

LOOK!

I see.

I thank whatever god may be for my eyes.

Seriously, the only reason I can think of to explain why this babe isn’t a bigger name in the industry is that she kind of comes and goes as she pleases and doesn’t keep the social media publicity machine going as hard as she could. Also, it’s really hard to google her name, because you keep getting hits about the abortion movie.

Seriously, I googled “Vera Drake porn scene deeper” and all I got where abortion movie results. It can be a mood killer. I’m just thankful there are no abortion scenes that pop up when I search “Vera Drake” on Pornhub.

There’s one safe place left.

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Post image for Miley Cyrus Changes Her Image & Releases A New Video

Just the other day I was wondering what the hell happened to Miley Cyrus and all of a sudden she’s all over the place again, with a couple new interviews, a new photoshoot, a new single, a new music video, and a new look.

I’m here to tell you, Miley Cryus is back to her country roots!

She’s growing out her fake blonde hair too, as you’ll see (if you watch the video) her roots are literally back in all their brown glory.

I don’t know if this is due to the fact that’s she’s back with Liam Hemsworth or if it’s because she’s getting older (yeah, because at 24-years-old you’re definitely old and wise) and more secure in her own skin, but she has definitely ditched the in-your-face-sexual-bravado and hip hop persona for a more mellow country girl kind of vibe.

I’ve seen a lot of think pieces spring up about Miley’s appropriation of black culture and how this new album and her new image just go to show that her whole hip hop phase was just a shtick to make money and that she was never invested in black culture in the first place, but merely used it as a costume and they’re probably not wrong, but I can’t bring myself to be truly outraged.

Maybe that makes me a bad ally, but as a kid I went through so many different changes in style that I can’t begin to blame- Ah, fuck it. Kid is clearly kind of clueless and someone should tell her that dreads are a no go for white people. Fucking, hippies.

*Grumpy, grump, grump.*

That said, Miley Cyrus is kind of my guilty pleasure and she looks good prancing around on a beach in bikini bottoms and a tiny sweater.

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Does Marisa Papen Have A Tattoo Under Her Foot?

May 21, 2017
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Every time* I see a photoshoot of Marisa Papen she’s strolling about some magical wild kingdom (mostly, Hawaii) in the nude like some damn lady of the woods who is about to take over the world one titty picture at a time and it works. I love what Marisa is about. I dig the whole […]

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Last Week On Insta: Cherry Sinatra, Kendra Sunderland & +++

May 20, 2017
Thumbnail image for Last Week On Insta: Cherry Sinatra, Kendra Sunderland & +++

I’ve got to stop scrolling through Instagram. Some days I have a hard time finding pics that speak to me, but today I was finding one good after another. I can’t make this post too long, though, so I had to cut myself off. @cherrysinatra for @her.sins Prohibition: A Cannabis Cabaret!! #austinburlesque #austinphotographer A post […]

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Feel Lucky, Neighbors; It Could Have Been Phish

May 19, 2017
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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced […]

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Kylie Jenner Is A “Weird Science” Experiment!

May 19, 2017
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If the classic movie Weird Science was released today instead of back in 1985 you can bet your ass the “perfect” woman would look a lot more like Kylie Jenner than Kelly Lebrock. It was never clear to me how two nerds in the ’80s were able to create the woman of their dreams using a […]

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Throw Back Thursday Nudity Edition: Susan (1977)

May 18, 2017
Thumbnail image for Throw Back Thursday Nudity Edition: Susan (1977)

Oh man, the past was so great! This photoshoot is how you do Halloween. Don’t fuck around, just dress a woman up as a sexy scarecrow and call it a day. Don’t forget to finish the night off by taking a sponge bath in an old timey washing tub by the light of your oil […]

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