Fiona Wilde is a staff writer and commentator for sssh.com and a published author of erotic novels for Blushing Books. Fiona comes from a background as a journalist for a large daily newspaper, but moved into erotica after mainstream media could not pay enough to keep her an honest woman. Her columns can be found on sssh.com and her novels are widely available on Amazon.com.
There’s a lot of dick stories in the news lately. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining. And it still is National Masturbation Month, after all. But this one made me kind of mad.
It seems the employees of an Oklahoma Tractor Supply store – for you urban folk that’s a business that sells livestock feed and farm supplies – decided to express their displeasure with customer Ralph Polnicky by sending him a very large and very realistic dildo.
The nerve of Tractor Supply. Really. As an avid equestrian – that’s horse owner for you urban folk – I’ve shopped there for years. And yes, I’ve been known to be perfectly rude when they were out of what I was looking for. But apparently I wasn’t rude enough, because no one’s ever sent me a plastic cock.
Mr. Polnicky wasn’t real happy with the gift, which arrived in the mail months after he’d all but forgotten his altercation in the store.
An article on Gawker describes his reaction:
“Inside was an 8-inch dildo with the words ‘Ralph is a Dick,’ ‘From the Tractor Supply,” and ‘Don’t Come Back,’ scribbled on the sides. My wife was, just, ‘Oh my God! What.. who is this? What do they want? What are they going to do next,?”
There’s no way to know, but if I were the wife of a man who’d just gotten a threatening latex cock complete with veins and ridges, I’d be like, “Hey honey what you say we take this baby in the bedroom and scrub those insults off the hard way?”
But maybe that’s just me.
Mr. and Mrs. Polnicky, you scare too easily. There are far more frightening dildos out there, and it could have been worse. What if you’d gotten this one? It looks a lot like a cactus. I really hope those spines are flexible.
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