Fiona Wilde is a staff writer and commentator for sssh.com and a published author of erotic novels for Blushing Books. Fiona comes from a background as a journalist for a large daily newspaper, but moved into erotica after mainstream media could not pay enough to keep her an honest woman. Her columns can be found on sssh.com and her novels are widely available on Amazon.com
So over in England, the Queen is not amused.
Seems Prince Harry – better known as the brother of the guy married to Kate Middleton – was playing strip poker with some hot Las Vegas babes in his VIP suite and didn’t stop to think that they make camera phones in America, too.
Now the photos are on TMZ and everyone’s buzzing about the “scandal.”
Scandal? Really? A naked prince is a scandal?
You know that somewhere King Henry VIII is looking down and saying, “Bitch, please…”
In historical context, Harry’s shaking his princely poker wouldn’t even rank as an interesting afternoon at court of King Henry VIII, who royally fucked his six wives in more ways than one. The lucky ones survived with just a divorce decree. The unlucky ones, including Anne Boleyn, had their heads toted away in a basket. King Henry was a randy man.
Once he’d set his sights on his next future ex or beheaded wife he let nothing stand in his way, whether it be a current spouse or that stodgy Church of England. His last wife, Catherine Parr, was probably dreaming of the guillotine by the time 300 pounds of sweaty, heaving royalty got around to wedding and bedding her.
And that’s just one king. Henry VIII was hardly alone. Playful Prince Harry could claim scandal is in his genes since there’s more sexploits in his bloodline than you can shake a dick at. Take King James I as another example. And yes, we’re talking about the King James of King James Bible fame. He wasn’t just fond of God’s word. He was also fond of some hot man love, a passion that started in his teen years when he fell ass-over-teacup for his male cousin Esme. Later, King James turned his amorous attentions to Scotland’s Robert Carr, only to be shattered when the younger man ended the relationship.
“I leave out of this reckoning your long creeping back and withdrawing yourself form lying in my chamber,” he wrote, “not withstanding my many hundred times earnest soliciting you to the contrary.”
The next time some fundamentalist Bible thumper starts quoting from the King James Bible about the evils of homosexuality, you can quote that line back to them and then tell them who said it. Talk about speaking in tongues.
Oh, and you’re welcome.
I have an English friend who, unlike the queen, is amused by Harry’s Embarrassing Moment and doesn’t think it’s any big deal. When I asked him if he knew of any fucking royal scandals he immediately mentioned The Sex Chair.
Sex chair? Well that’s different. And since one cannot not research a sex chair I immediately set off to investigate the topic and found out that there was indeed one commissioned by Prince Edward VII, the son of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.Designed for his and her pleasure, the chair was engineered to accommodate Parisian three-ways that left everyone in a royal flush later washed away in the king’s swan-shaped, champagne-filled bathtub.
Back in Essex, “tea” with King Edward VII became a code word for group sex. Damn. No wonder the Brits are so fond of tea. Apparently those of us on this side of the pond are doing it wrong.
And lest we think the royals have become more buttoned up over the years, think again. True, no stories of sex chairs and champagne baths have emerged in this century, but there was that time in 1992 when Prince Andrew’s wife Fergie was photographed having her toes sucked by a wealthy Texan. And anyone with any knowledge of recent history is aware of Prince Charles’ creepy recorded come-on to his then mistress Camilla in which he fantasized about being her tampon.
So hopefully the Queen will relax. Harry’s a grown man and his time has come. He’s got the sex drive of his forefathers, but with more finesse. He’s the son of the late Princess Diana, after all. She had own affairs, but pulled it off while retaining her charm. Harry has his mother’s appeal, and is unlikely to ever be caught on tape wishing to be a douche nozzle or a dildo like his dad. He’s the fun, handsome prince and I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of the royal staff. Or at least I hope so.
Henry VIII will be proud.
Fiona Wyle is a Sssh.com columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out: