At a certain age, humping my stuffed animals just didn’t cut it anymore, and growing up as a teenager in a small rural town (read: no sex shops) my options were limited. This was before Internet shopping and the drawers full of sexy swag I now keep at home in case of an emergency (read: waking up horny).
It wasn’t long before I started looking around the house for things that would get me off.
John Lennon might not have been talking about inserting things into your body orifices when he said: “I’m not the only one”, but hotdamn, you have to give credit where credit is do. I thank god everyday for a healthy imagination.
Note to fellow Peeperz: Do not try this at home, but if you do, avoid objects that are likely to leave splinters or break off and get stuck. Results may vary.
Tickle Me Elmo
The tickle me Elmo doll brings humping your stuffed animals to a whole new level: it vibrates, people! It vibrates!
You might want to keep this beauty out of the hands of actual children after use unless you want the smell of your junk to scar them for life.
This isn’t the only dick shaped object lying around the house (or in your fridge), but it does have the added benefit of already being in the bathroom: a quiet place with a lock on the door. And for the lazy at heart, you won’t have far to go when you want to combine it with the next item on the list.
The holy grail of “at home” sex toys. This is why you should always check the water pressure when moving into a new place. Water pressure has been getting chicks off for centuries, nay millennia, but just like Goldilocks and The Three Bears when entering the unknown you’ve got to find the one that’s just right.
Baoding Balls: Chinese Meditation Balls
Every new-ager-into-anything-from-China-hippy-type has a pair of these lying around their house. Common usage: rotate in palm of hand to improve dexterity and strength. Sex toy version: Ever hear of Ben Wa Balls? They’re basically the same thing only you insert them into your hot wet pussy.
Empty Plastic Bottle
Surely you can’t fit that in there? Maybe, maybe not, but this little baby is all about the suction. Place the opening over your clit and squeeze. Release. Repeat.
And because I’m feeling extra generous at the moment enjoy a video of Nellie Hunter getting off with a bottle and a…what is it that I said about dick shaped objects that could be found in a fridge…oh ya, a banana.
Nellie Hunter, you are the hottest chick ever…. ever brought to you by PornHub