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Besides being the awesomest job ever, writing for PornHub has its downsides once in a while. Sure, the threesomes with Tori Black and Nikki Sims are nice and the dental plan is second to none, but I still have a duty as an investigative journalist to uncover the darkest corners of the sexual experience. Like Woodward and Bernstein before me, I set out to uncover an OSA with the highest possible rating. However, while their work involved espionage and unraveled a presidency, mine was conducted in boxers while watching porn. Potato, potahto.
Warning! This act is not for the feint of heart. Although, if you were one of the brave few who checked out what a tater chip was last week, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Obscure Sexual Act: The Zombie Punch
Urban Dictionary Defines It As: To paraphrase: “1: Get blown. 2: Near climax, remove cock. 3: Punch partner in nose, giving him/her a nosebleed. 4: Ejaculate on face. 5. Run to nearest light switch, flick it on and off.” If you’ve pulled it off correctly, the effect “should be that the punchee looks to be staggering about like a Zombie, and their face should look like that of the undead. The flicking of the lights provides a jerking effect to the movement, and affects vision as well.”
Creativity: Applause. Nothing but applause for whatever twisted, convicted felon hero who thought up this cross between Anette Dawn and Dawn of the Dead. VERDICT: 2 girls, ½ a cup
Sexual Appeal: Head? Good. Blow to the head? Not so good. VERDICT: 1 ½ girls
Sheer Disgustingness: The act is both disgusting for its mix of blood and nut, but also for its shocking lack of regard for any human dignity. And while sex might not always be PG, we in the porn industry frown upon any objectification of women. At least, that’s my impression. VERDICT: 2 girls, ½ a cup
FINAL TALLY: A very strong 6 ½ girls/cups.
Because of the conflict between the last two categories, we may never find an OSA with a rating higher than the Zombie Punch. However, if you think you can do better, hotshot, then fill out our Mad Libs! Fun for the whole family!
A _________ is when a man inserts his ________ into a man/woman/donkey’s __________, and proceeds to _________ violently until his ________ covers his partner’s __________ and the surrounding furniture. His partner then slaps his __________ into a ____________, thereby forcing the man to pull out and covering him in a hot, greasy pile of ______________.
Next week: Girls! Tired of getting kicked in the shins or otherwise abused in disturbing/hilarious ways? Plot your revenge: next week is Ladies Week.
