I don’t like talking on the phone. Text messaging and the internet are my preferred method of conversation, sometimes the first time that I hear a date’s voice is when I meet them in person. Most of the time this isn’t a problem, but every once and awhile I’ll end up meeting a person who has a voice that is annoying enough to end the date regardless of how much I want to get fucked.
A few years ago I was seeing a girl who had a voice that was like running nails down a chalkboard. She was gorgeous online: big beautiful boobs and a curvy round ass, all I wanted to do was stuff my face in between her legs and make her cum over and over. I didn’t even bother with meeting her in a public place, I just invited her over to my apartment for drinks and to have a bit of fun.
I saw her headlights pull up in my driveway and she text me to say that she was here. I straightened out my slinky sexy dress and went down the steps to open my door. I heard an inappropriately loud, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii,” coming from the direction of her car.
That couldn’t be her voice, right? She was so smoking hot and she seemed really fun…she couldn’t sound like THAT, could she?
I kept the smile on my face and said hello to her. She giggled and with the most annoyingly nasally fake Brooklyn accent she responded, “Oh, hi! You must be Harlot!!” It was like I was suddenly about to have sex with Fran Drescher, even when I was making her cum that night, her moans and screams sounded so annoying that it was like chills up my spine….kind of like Gilbert Gottfried.
Luckily for you guys who have never had the opportunity to fuck a person who has a super annoying voice, Gilbert Gottfried has posted a dramatic reading of the new pop book sensation the erotic novel for housewives and the current bane of my existence, Fifty Shades of Grey, up on the internet for everyone to enjoy.
I swear you haven’t lived until you hear Gilbert say the word, “clitoris.”