Duke is probably a pretty good university. I don’t really know. I’ve been too busy watching Tyler Hansbrough dominate at March Madness, not caring about the failed rape case against Duke lacrosse players, and reading Duke Law School grad Tucker Max’s literary masterpiece.
And now there’s this: a Duke grad student named Karen F. Owen created a “Seniors Honors Thesis”, as a powerpoint presentation, in May of this year. Why do we care? Because she only sent it to three of her friends as a joke. Oh, and the subject was a graded system of her many lays. She wrote up detailed treatments on the thirteen Duke athletes she’d banged.
It really is quite quite researched. Owen came up with a whole rating system, including physical attributes, size, talent, creativity, aggressiveness, entertainment, and more. Bonus points were awarded for surfing ability and Australian accents, while points were deducted for “rudeness or being Canadian.”
Subjects included students from all walks of life, all the way from Duke baseball players to Duke lacrosse players. In an incredibly detailed 42-page PowerPoint presentation, everything from eye contact to texting strategy is broken with the thoughtful analysis you’d expect from a student who hit the books every night, instead of hitting every muscled douchebag with a popped collar she could find.
One of her friends thought it was pretty funny, and passed it on to someone else. That person sent it to someone else, and ten degrees of separation later, everyone with a working internet connection knew the girls face, name, and the combination to her chastity belt (hint: it rhymes with pig sock.)
More importantly, we learned that not all Duke athletes are the manly-men-men-men they claim to be. Most notably, a “tennis star” who scored a 1/10 on the scale for being “rude, Canadian and..finishing in about 5 minutes.” Pros included having a good body, cons included “absolutely everything.” Thank God she went through with it in the name of research; otherwise, she may never have been able to completely ruin this kids life.
So if you’ve ever wanted to hear a 400-word paragraph on how discovering a small black cock is like unwrapping a pair of gray socks on Christmas, give it a read. Duke seems to have a damn good English program, even if their “Keeping Your Pants on After 2 Tequila Shooters 101” course is dangerously under-attended.