Swingers clubs. You tend to imagine orgies of mythical stature. No matter what you look like everyone there will be in shape, good looking and there to fuck like bunnies. You will be welcomed openly and propositioned often. You’ll start to feel like a debutante with an overflowing dance card.
This isn’t how it always works.
My first foray into a swingers club came during a night of drinking. Half way through dinner a couple of my girlfriends and I decided that the perfect way to top off the night would be a swingers club. I would like to blame this on the wine but mostly it’s just because my friends and I tend to be a bit slutty curious about others sexual interests and endeavors.
Within an hour I was knee deep in a pile of limbs including the bouncer who initially showed us around and two girls, one of whom I met there and the other I had met at our dinner. Making new friends has never been so much fun.
“Yes, (oooh) yes, hello,(slurp) nice to meet you. Now please put your mouth back between my thighs.”
But somewhere between the sucking and fucking and moaning I managed to get the general rules of etiquette.
Single guys usually won’t be allowed in unless the club is holding a night just for you. These nights are aptly named Gang Bang or Single Men Night. But unless waiting in a line of hairy, masturbating men for your chance to have at it with the lone female – you may want to find another way in. If you don’t have a girlfriend to accompany you then hire an escort. Be careful though, swingers clubs rarely allow working girls in so don’t start handing her twenties while she’s blowing you. If you do go the escort route, make sure you both understand the expectations.
For couples, this can be a place where dreams are made, if you’re both on the right page. The sexual fantasies you can live out are endless; voyeurism, exhibitionism, cuckolding and threesomes are at your fingertips. Make sure you know what your partner wants out of it. If an issue comes up, remove yourselves from the scene and talk it out. Even if you’re not thinking of each other, think of the other guests. To the pro swingers your couple fight reeks of immaturity and is about as sexy as a queef.
Single women you will feel like the belle of the ball(s). You will garner a lot of attention. Use your power wisely. If someone approaches you and you’re not interested, a smile and, “No thank you” work perfectly. Bouncers usually have a three strikes out rule for people who don’t understand the word no. And girls, no high pitched giggling. Whether you’re there only to watch or there to get railed six ways from Sunday, respect others.
- No means no.
- No pictures.
- No drugs or excessive use of alcohol.
- Bring your own condoms. Most swingers clubs will have condom bowls spilling over like candies at Christmas. But just in case…
- Dispose of your condoms! No one wants their night ruined by finding a condom stuck to their back or tangled in their hair.
- Remember, there are no guarantees
What seems to be the common theme here? Other than blowjobs and fucking? It’s respect. Some of the most debauched and hedonistic venues seem to thrive around the word respect. This is why they work.