I’ve never been to a porn theater but I can sort of imagine the experience in my head. You’re sitting in a dark room watching porn with other people who probably can’t see you. It sounds to me like the whole point is to jack off. However, masturbating in public is considered lewd conduct in the city of Los Angeles – and like everything else you can do with your penis that is illegal, people do it anyway.
Just ask actor Fred Willard!
With budgets being slashed and California losing money faster than illegal aliens can pump it back in (they really like Jack in the Box), it’s hard to find a police officer when you need one unless you’re being stabbed somewhere near a rich person. Never missing an opportunity to generate some revenue, raiding porn theaters and dolling out fines is a good way to catch some unsuspecting criminals pink handed.
When police raided the Tiki Theater in Hollywood early this week, this is precisely how they found the 79-year-old actor. Willard was discovered with his penis in his hand during a random walkthrough, and was quickly arrested. Now, I’ve been walked in on masturbating a few times in my life and, with the hand speed of a god, I always managed to get everything back in place before the sound of the doorknob squeaking. I kind of feel like Willard wanted to get caught here. He’s old, well off, and in the business of making funny movies. Getting caught masturbating in a porn theater is the 80-year-old’s equivalent of releasing a sex tape and, god damn it, I’m taking the bait.
Fred Willard will be more culturally relevant for the next few days than he’s been in the last couple years. He was hilarious in Anchorman and has phoned in some appearances in a couple crappy satire movies. He needs a boost, something that will get his name out there and maybe land him a gig. Getting caught beating it in a porn theater is exactly the right move.