Mormon Singles’ Church Makes It Easier To Get Wed & Laid

Tired of the bar scene? The gym just isn’t working for you when it comes to picking up chicks? Cosmo lied when they said you should try the hardware store, and Bath and Beyond when you’re feeling horny, and you’ve already made the rounds of all the singles on OkCupid in your town, why not join a religion? Think Mormon! The Crystal City 23rd St. Chapel near Washington D.C. has opened its doors to all the single Mormons they can fit in their pews (Mormon churches have pews, right?).

Mormons  forbid pre-marital sex, so what better way to get all these young Mormons hitched and procreating like bunnies, than having them join a singles’ only Mormon church where they can meet other young people who haven’t been hitched. It’s also a got way to avoid adultery, since you’re keeping them away from all those sexy married people. When temptation can pave the way to hell (Mormons believe in hell, right?) it’s best to keep it in a completely different church.

The church facilitates meeting the love of your life by hosting trivia nights and bingo extravaganzas (I thought Bingo was the dominion of the Catholic Church)… Anyhow, tons of fun awaits you. You can sublimate all your sexual tension by really giving those Bingo dabbers a good smash, and if you win, you can always add a few moaning ooo’s to “Bingo!”. Way better than meeting strangers online and screwing them in your car before making it to the restaurant.

The Mormon Church is our generation’s ultimate chaperon. I hope the officials overseeing this meeting of minds don’t get a little hot under the collar with all the sexual tension in the room. I guess it’s a good way to push all these young kids to get wed. Create some tension, forbid them to relieve it, and provide them with an out: wedding bells. If does bells do ring, the happy couple gets to graduate and move on to a married church. As a plus, they have a better chance to make to a better level of heaven (Mormons believe in heaven, right?).

If getting married was the only way to have sex, there would be a lot more people out there tying the knot. Of course, you could just go along and pretend to have your virtue intact. At least that way you don’t have to deal with blood on the sheets. Let’s someone else take care of that. Singles’ church or not, I’d be surprised if the entire congregation hasn’t dabbled in a little pre-marital sex already. At least, they’re not doing virginity spot tests. Now, that would just be gross instead of weird and funny like a, huh, singles’ church.

via Washington Post

Tagged as: funny, getting laid, mormons, news, pre-marital sex, religion, sexnews, singles church, wtf