Subscribe
If you’re a woman who regularly reads this column (and as its author, even I can’t give a good reason why you should), by now you’ve undoubtedly turned firmly against men, who are clearly all chauvinistic pigs. Fair enough. The world is filled with good looking women who will treat you like the lady you are, as opposed to Obscure Sex Acts which usually treat you like a human toilet. All reasonable points. However, six months down the road you, like the rest of the world, will most likely find your sex life shallow and boring again. Dildos, like handjobs, are probably better done solo, and scissoring will become just an easy A at an arts and crafts school. So what to do?
Fortunately, Peeperz has an answer for that too, and proudly introduces (although my editor keeps telling me that Peeperz is decidedly not proud to introduce anything in my columns) the first women’s-only Obscure Sex Act. Hopefully one day, ladies, you’ll switch back to our team. The team that can, you know, actually play sports.
For this week, you’re going to need a Samantha in your group. You know, the friend who disappears ten minutes after she hits the club and turns up in the morning smelling of beer and stank? Basically, you’re going to need a girl with a very loose…um…chastity belt. Might we suggest giving this girl a call?
Obscure Sexual Act: The Five Legged Caribou
Urban Dictionary Defines it As: “When six women get together with five lying on the ground. The sixth puts both hands and feet into four of the vaginas of the women lying on the ground. She then inserts her head [this is where your Samantha comes in] into the fifth woman’s vagina.”
Creativity: This move was first publicly coined on “How I Met Your Mother” which, thanks to the overturning of Prop 8 in California, means the phrase “How I Met Your Mother” and “Five Legged Caribou” are now very compatible. VERDICT: 2 girls, ½ a cup
Sexual Appeal: One of the first porn videos I stumbled over was an old clip on Kazaa (remember the 90s?) of some bald guy giving some large German lady the head, which I quickly learned as I got older was not the same as giving head. Even while furiously beating my tiny, tiny, cock, I remember thinking: this can’t be pleasurable. I’m going to go with my 11-year old self on this one. VERDICT: 1 ½ girls
Sheer Disgustingness: I’d say for probably, oh, four of the six girls this act is beautiful love-making. VERDICT: 2 girls
FINAL TALLY: 6 girls/cups out of 9. If you really want gender equality, ladies, I can bump you up to a 7.
I was going to end with a snappy lesbian joke, but they all suck. The best one I found: How can you tell a rough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no balls. Meh. If you’ve got any better ones, post them in the Comments section, and be kind or they’ll stop letting us take pictures.
