A few days ago, Morality in Media president Patrick Trueman claimed that Americans have a constitutional right to decency, which is a fancy way of saying porn should be against the law. He also claimed that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has his back, but Mitt has probably never even met this asshole.
The truth is, it really is illegal to distribute pornography in many parts of the country but, like most things that get in the way of our boners, nobody cares. These laws are either archaic decrees designed to keep out the riff raff or bizarre interpretations of laws intended to keep porn out of the hands of minors by removing it from store shelves. Anybody who wants porn in these United States can still get it quite easily, and that chaps the ass of a lot of conservatives.
There are two kinds of Republicans in this country: those who love money and those who hate orgasms. Mitt Romney is one of the former. That motherfucker loves money. Whenever they ask Mitt Romney if he can relate to the typical struggling American, he gets nervous and stumbles through a story about the time they couldn’t land his private jet and had to fly first-class to his vacation home in the Hamptons.
After Rick Santorum’s poor, sex hating ass came out against porn and watched his campaign crumple and fall like a used catch rag, a lot of Republicans avoided talking about the subject. Mitt Romney is way too rich to care how many times I masturbated today (3 before noon, holla), but in order to cater to his entire party he has to humor these whack job killjoys.
Mitt Romney is a rich, awkward man and he’s also pretty smart. Romney never says he’s going to come after pornographers or make it harder for Americans to masturbate – he simply states parents should know their options. He never said he would “vigorously” prosecute pornographers; Patrick Trueman got some peon from Romney’s staff to say it, and probably just so Morality in Media would shut up and cough up some cash.
So fear not, America. No matter what happens during this year’s election your porn is probably safe. Worst case scenario we could all move to Canada. Awwwww yeaaaaaa, Canada.