A group of Italian scientists have answered some of life’s most important questions, such as “how many calories do I burn when I masturbate?” Researches decided to calculate how many calories are burned through typical sexual activities in order to, well, for no reason really. They’re Italian, that’s their reason.
Here are their findings:
Making Out, 30 minutes: 230 calories
Foreplay: 20 minutes: 87 calories for women, 107 calories for men
Unclasping a bra with both hands: 8 calories, Unclasping a bra with one hand: 18 calories, Unclasping a bra with your mouth: 67 calories
Strip Tease: 60 Calories
Oral Sex: 100 calories
Missionary Position, 10 minutes: 250 calories
Woman on Top, 10 minutes: 300 calories for women, 130 calories for men
Sex Standing Up: Up to 600 calories for both people
Masturbation: Up to 150 calories per session (awww yisssss) Orgasm: From 60-100 calories
While I go to the gym pretty regularly, I also lounge just as hard. It is with the same intensity with which I pummel a heavy bag or drag a grappling partner around the mat with my elbow slightly hyperextended that I also relax in front of my computer while eating Taco Bell. I go hard in all aspects of my life.
I am quite comfortable with my powerful but pudgy physique, but I’m also aware that I am closing in on 30 and have to start being more aware of my calorie intake. Seeing as I do pretty much no other exercise aside from hitting the mat three times a week, justifying my impressive taco consumption requires a lot of clever bookkeeping.
For example, I’m going to add about 50 calories to all of these figures because I typically go for the more sturdy, softball player types. Trying to dead lift a 5’2, 150 pound wad of muscle and sex drive over my dick after a night of whiskey sours and lively conversation is harder than it looks.