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Coming across Pornhub’s sex toy store is a lot like coming across that twenty dollar bill you thought you lost. It’s exciting for a minute and then turns into, it’s about fucking time.
As we were perusing the many vibrating, rotating, prostrate massaging, back arching, anally pleasing, sucking, virtual vacuum sex toys on the site, there was one theme that kept cropping back up; the cute as cute can be sex toy. We rounded up a few of these strangely adorable, orgasm inducing toys.
FOR MEN:
Anything colored in pastels and shoved into an Easter basket has to be considered cute. Or gay. Either way, they’re fuckable. We can’t count how many Easter egg hunts have gone awry when the one kid was caught fucking an egg in another kid’s basket.
The Tenga Eggs are actually cool. They are a onetime only (a couple of times if you handle them carefully and whisper sweet nothings in their ear) masturbating sleeves. The textures inside each egg differ so you don’t bore of the same thing, just like real women!
FOR WOMEN:
Ah bath time evokes images of splashing around in water, bubble bath and rubber duckies. And now we don’t feel half as perverted for taking black electrical tape and outfitting our plastic duck in pseudo latex gear and a ball gag.
The I Rub My Duckie Bondage is completely waterproof and even floats. Most importantly it’s a vibrator. Ah, Ernie, we always knew you were up to no good in that bath with Bert.
Rubber Duckie you’re so fine,
And I’m lucky that you’re mine.
Rubber Duckie, I’d love a whole pond of,
Rubber Duckie, I’m awfully fond of you!
FOR THE ASS:
Is it just us or is the one thing you don’t want your anal beads to look like is surprised. We also don’t want our sex toys to be named Felix.
But the Flexi Felix went against the norm and surprisingly still comes out on top. We suppose this would be a great way to introduce anal sex to a possibly unwilling partner. Look at how unassuming Felix looks. He looks downright inviting. Pleasant, even. Now that we think of it, we’ve never wanted to use anal beads more in our life.
FOR THE HIGHBROW CONNOISSEUR:
While not so much cute as downright beautiful, the Zoe Regal still has to be mentioned. It’s more of an objet than it a something to bang away at. But to bring out this hand crafted glasswork dildo will inspire the fear and respect that all toys should. Or that we think they should.
