You know the expression “you get what you pay for”? Like, if you pay the paper boy twenty bucks to fix your car, it probably won’t help your faulty transmission? This is kind of like that.
We owe Tiger an apology. Because it came out this week that his sex tape that we were so excited (but wary) about was all a fake. Instead, the man with the 5-wood in the video with porn star Devon James is a man named Teneal Goyco. Goyco was allegedly paid only $1,000 for his services, which involved banging James while wearing “a Nike cap and sleeveless sweater,” and getting called “Tiger” throughout.
He figured she was out to fulfill some sort of sick Tiger Woods fantasy of hers. She figured she could turn that thousand dollar investment into a $350,000 payday. Neither were correct, as Goyco came forward, apparently not satisfied with his absolutely, unquestionably insufficient financial return.
We don’t really blame Goyco. If a smokeshow pornstar – even one who has batshit crazy written all over her – offered us a couple iPhone’s worth of cash for a little on-camera action, we’d be hard-pressed to say no. The blame here has to fall on James, not only for getting our hopes up, but turning this devious plot into a farce that the boys from Weekend at Bernie’s would be ashamed of. She probably should have thought her plan through a little more, perhaps even investing in someone other than Goyco, who apparently bears only a “remote” resemblance to Woods.
So, in short, we’re sorry Tiger! You’ve provided Peeperz journalists with dozens of easy articles, and this is what you get in return. We’re ashamed of ourselves. Hopefully we can repair our damaged relationship and get back to normal: posting galleries upon galleries of hot escorts you’ve cheating on your wife with. Even though Tiger’s sex tape may not be real, it still doesn’t mean he’s having a good day. His Swedish ex-wife Elin got a divorce settlement today of $110 million. For those of you counting at home, that buys 110,000 Teneal Goyco’s.