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What a week for the weaselly, the warped, the whiny and the weird. Lindsay is loose (like we didn’t know), Elin is speaking (like we wanted to hear) and Montag is most concerned about the look of her tits in her sex vid (like we’re surprised by that). Every time I make a half turn at the store I feel like Naomi Russell’s dirt-chute with the financial sodomy I’m getting on a daily basis. On top of it all I’m supposed to buy the shit I’m being fed about killer breakfast food, Blago, oil eating microbes and Fleshlight shortages caused by primary winners?! quem Deus vult perdere, prius dementat! (“Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad”-for those whose Latin is lacking.)
Naomi Russell – Filthy Whore brought to you by PornHub
First up, Elin the now ex of Tiger has broken her silence and nothing of interest came out of her mouth.”I was too dense to notice anything.” “I beat the SUV, not Tiger.” Blah, blah, fucking blah. Let’s be brutal: the only way we ever cared to see Elin was in a hot revenge fuck three-way with her, her twin sister, and Peter North. As for Tiger himself, he’s shooting his best rounds of golf in months knowing he was only taken for $100 million. That’s how much per mistress?
“My boobs are crushing me,” whines Heidi Montag about the beach-ball G-cups she got crammed into the skin of her chest. However, she’s quick to point out that she would be “mortified” if a sex tape of her pre-sideshow body were released. Take a hint from Sienna West and Carmella Bing; quit talking, start sucking, and let the slut glaze land where it may!
My sweet Lindsay was misdiagnosed with bi-polar disorder and ADD and that is what led her down her primrose path of perversion. What?! As an Adderall addiction alumni myself, all I have to say is some doctors will sign anything if the price is right or the blowjob is satisfying. Congratulations Lindsay on blowing rehab! Maybe it was rehearsal for the Lovelace role…..
Okay, random splooze shot time! Bristol Palin is going to be on “Dancing with the Stars”?! Aside from watching her titanic teen tits swing around how the hell does she…..What?!! Lastly, the “Who gives a Fuck” award goes to all the people that are all worked up about Miley’s new movie. She plays a sex obsessed teen that gets laid, smokes dope, and kisses another chick. Hey, like a real 17 year old, not a Disney fantasy! Ciao!
