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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

For some reason, I’ve just never been able to get into astrology, even as a form of mere entertainment and without putting any stock in the truth or value of horoscopes.

Maybe it’s because I was an astronomy major for a while in college (before realizing an accurate description of the coursework was “really difficult space-math”), or maybe it’s just an aversion to sentences which flatly assert things like “Mercury rules all types of communication, including listening, speaking, learning, reading, editing, researching, negotiating, selling, and buying,” but astronomy has never captured my fancy.

This doesn’t mean I never glance over a published horoscope though – particularly when it purports to tell me my “Sex Horoscope for the Weekend.”

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I’ve got to go a little deep for this story, Peepz. For the past year or so, I’ve been taking care of my grandmother on Fridays. She’s old and her memory has all but faded away. Before she got sick, I didn’t know much about dementia or what happens to the mind, along with the body, as you age.

My grandma has always been super propper. She was quick with the comeback if you said something sassy to her, but in the 35 years of my life prior to her getting sick, I never heard her curse.

Now all she talks about is grabbing the dicks of the male therapists that visit her a few times a day. I laugh “inappropriately” every single time it happens. Hearing a woman who never even said, “Hell!” go to town on a nurse and calling her a, “Dick slobbering cunt!” is funny as fuck, I don’t care what anyone says. Now I don’t have to hold myself back when I’m talking to my grandma about the jerk offs that were on the road on my way to the hospital. We have a refreshingly sad relationship now, but that’s cool.

If I could though, I think I’d want to move my grandma into the nursing home that lets the strippers come and visit. Yes, that exists.

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Apple Picking Pussy

by Alpha Harlot on October 16, 2018

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Autumn activities are my favorite type. I make plans in July to go pumpkin picking and apple picking before my calendar fills up. Last year, a family trip to the pumpkin patch resulted in me getting fingered in a corn field. This year? We waited until we were indoors to participate in our annual tradition.

Every year, we get together with some of our girlfriends to pick apples and bake. It’s a super fun afternoon, except that by the time that the 6th or 7th pie is in the oven, everyone else is drunk off their faces and I’m knee deep in apple slices. I prefer to focus on all the baking that has to be done, rather than get twisted. After the work is done? Let’s talk. This year my final tally was 10 pies, 48 muffins, 2 trays of caramel apple bars (homemade caramel sauce too, Peepz. Harlot doesn’t fuck around in the kitchen) and 3 loaves of apple, cinnamon, banana bread. You know who wouldn’t have been able to get all that done if she was downing whiskey? This slut right here.

You don’t want me drunk in the kitchen and handling knives…I’m just saying.

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I never made my bed before I was married. The only time my sheets got changed was after I fucked someone on them, and then I’d make my bed…but I was never the type of person that got up, stretched and tucked the flat sheet underneath my pillow while I fluffed my comforter out. It totally wasn’t my style.

Enter, my wife.

She was raised in a military household. Her father was in the army and they traveled all over the world when she was very young. In his house, beds were made and inspected every morning. It’s a habit she never broke.

When we moved in together, I didn’t have a day job. I was freelance writing full time so I really didn’t leave the house much. I’d wake up to walk the dog and then head straight for my computer to pound away at the keys for 9 or 10 hours. After the first week, she started getting pissed off.

“Why the fuck do you not make the bed?”

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Take a Sexcation This Year

by Alpha Harlot on October 14, 2018

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Vacations were few and far between in my twenties. I was always in long distance relationships with guys who insisted that I travel to them, so I’d go for weekend jaunts and end up only being a tourist inside of a hotel room. At the time I wasn’t complaining, because traveling for sex was new and exciting. Now I look back and wish I had actually visited San Antonio, Austin and Atlanta for more than just some cock.

My wife and I love traveling with each other. We have similar tastes in that we like our trips to be equal parts adventure and relaxation. Our honeymoon in Puerto Rico was amazing. My favorite experience was either hiking through the rain forest, or fucking in the pool on our last night there. Both were things that I’ll remember for the rest of my life, while the hotel sex with my ex’s is forgettable at best.

We have brought up going on a legit sexcation before. There are plenty of LGBT cruises out there where clothing is optional and things tend to get a little out of hand. It’s definitely a dream of ours, but we’re not completely sold on getting on a boat.
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Fap Along With Harlot: Digital Playground

October 13, 2018
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When I lived in my studio apartment, I was so psyched to decorate the whole place in porno posters. I worked at an adult video store so they were fairly easy to come by. In my bathroom, I decided to showcase a massive fully clothed posted for the Digital Playground movie Pirates 2. At the […]

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Sex and the City Without Samantha Would Be Like The Beatles Without John

October 12, 2018
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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced […]

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Possible Threesome with Our Grocery Deliverer

October 11, 2018
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I’ve fucked a whole lot of people and that means that I have a whole lot of memory lapses. Sometimes I wish I was the type of person who could remember every set of lips that I’ve made out with, but I think that tucking away all the sexual tips and tricks I’ve acquired may […]

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I Love You by Brooke Candy

October 10, 2018
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When a video on PornHub starts out with a shot of a glittery liquid CGI’d so that it’s flowing out of Asia Akira’s even more sparkly butthole, it’s basically my idea of a good time. The next video in the Visionaries Director’s Club series of original content made for PornHub, Brooke Candy makes her debut. […]

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Powerful Storm Blows Sex Toys Down The Street

October 9, 2018
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Living in Southern California, I’m pretty spoiled with regards to weather. We occasionally have a storm, and our insane overreaction to even just an inch of rain is worthy of national ridicule. It’s easier for us to just live vicariously through following the news coverage of every other major weather event that happens around the […]

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