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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

I’ll never forget the first time I realized a pet was watching me have sex.

Sadly, it wasn’t very good sex, which is probably why my eyes wandered around until they spotted a cat standing on a dresser across the room from the bed, staring down at me and swishing its tail, looking irritated and impatient. Although it wasn’t a black cat, it still somehow reminded me of the iconic Le Chat Noir poster which has become a staple of overpriced furniture stores and shopping mall curio outlets.

It wasn’t even my cat – or for that matter, my partner’s cat. It was his roommate’s cat, and a nosier little furball could not be found. Still, mildly off-putting though it may have been, I figured even bad sex wasn’t worth interrupting just to shoo away a feline voyeur.

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My wife and I don’t have a proposal story. We have like twenty proposal stories because we realized that when you get engaged, people tend to buy you free food and drinks. When we actually got engaged, we decided that we wanted to get married during a regular old conversation and then went to the jewelry store and bought two rings, splitting the bill directly down the middle.

After we bought the rings, we went to our favorite sushi spot to celebrate. The couple that was sitting next to us saw how gushy we were over our jewelry and asked if we had just gotten engaged. Of course we said that we had…and the strangers ended up buying our meal.

Sushi is fucking expensive, Peepz.

We walked away with full bellies, and $120 extra dollars in our pocket.

To celebrate both our engagement and the fact that strangers bought us sushi, we went to our local bar to celebrate again. We tried buying a round of drinks for everyone, but no one would let us! Every person in that bar tried buying us a drink. We couldn’t guzzle whiskey fast enough to keep up so the bartenders ended up getting a fat tip…and then the bartender paid for our uber home.

This was so fucking good that we decided to make a game of it.
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Do You Read Erotica?

by Alpha Harlot on July 17, 2018

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One of the drawbacks to being surrounded by porno for 85% of the time that I’m awake is that I’ve gotten lazy with getting turned on. In my early 20s, I would print out super hot lesbian erotica stories on my printer at work and sneak them home in my purse. Watching porno wasn’t my habit yet, so I’d visualize the stories that I was reading.

Porno is everywhere now so it’s way easier for me to pop onto PornHub and poke around looking for a good video than it is for me to read though some erotica only to find out that it’s not the type of story that I’m looking for.

It’s legit just me being lazy with my masturbation habits. Visual porno is easy for me to find…Good erotica takes a bit of time to discover.

I’ve already read 80 books this year. Reading for pleasure is something that I do all the damn time (I’m PeriodicReader on Goodreads, btw…follow me over there if you’re a reader too). Zero books that I have read in the past five years that I’ve been tracking them have been erotica. I masturbate to relax and obviously to cum all over the place…Putting in the effort to move my eyeballs back and forth read erotic stories just isn’t something that I do anymore.

Do you though?
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I’ve recently returned to the world of internet dating and things are a lot different than they were just a few years ago. Being in your 30s on the internet in 2018 is like being a Baby Boomer in a 90s teen movie. Everything is faster now, I don’t understand any of the references people make, and it’s hard to plan dates around my current dietary restrictions.

Plus, everyone gets to the sexting almost instantly.

It used to be that after several weeks of dating you might send a tasteful tease as a means of interacting with someone you’re already sleeping with. Now it feels like once you connect with someone they want to see your genitals before you even settle on a first date. With the generally accepted order of sharing being nipple, dick, vagina, butthole I never really know when I’m going to need to send a pic to keep the conversation going.

However, being a 35-year-old boomer of fluctuating weight it’s not like I can just snap a passable picture of my penis whenever I want. There’s a certain amount of staging that must be done which is why I keep a couple greatest hits stored locally. Thankfully I don’t have a Samsung Galaxy phone otherwise one of these pictures may be randomly sent to a person on my contacts.

Wait, what?

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Post image for Will Smith Has Had Enough Sex, I Haven’t

I can’t seem to get enough of the Smith family lately. A few weeks ago, I wrote about Jada Pinkett Smith and her refreshingly open dialogue regarding sex. Now Will Smith is talking about how he’s had all the sex he ever wanted.

I don’t think that’s even possible.

He’s got a new song called The Mountaintop that talks about how he’s done so much with his life…Made mad money, been loved by millions…and how he’s fucked every which way he can think of.

The whole point of the song is that he’s done all this shit and none of it made him happy. What does make him happy is helping other people out.

I get what he’s trying to say. He’s got everything he ever dreamed of and the he was still feeling empty. The only thing that made him feel whole was giving back to the world.

The problem is, that thing he says about having all the sex he’s ever wanted leaves me with a nasty taste in my mouth.

It’s like raw spunk gone horribly wrong.

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Masturbation Roll

July 14, 2018
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Peeperz presents to you the best sites on the entire internet: Demi Lovato Straight Up Butt Shot of the Day – DrunkenStepfather Taylor Swift Candid Bikini Beach Pics – CelebJihad Amber Le Bon Braless in See Through Top – TaxiDriverMovie Bella Hadid in a Sexy Red Bikini! Pokies! – The Nip Slip Iggy Azeala Puts […]

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Fap Along With Harlot: Steamy Steampunk and Cosplay

July 14, 2018
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This Fap Along is going to be slightly all over the place. My original idea was to pull PornHub clips that were 100% steampunk. I wanted clocks, gears, corsets and cocks. What I ended up with was the realization that not enough good steampunk porn yet exists. GET ON THAT SHIT ADULT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY!! So […]

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This Sexpert Clearly Has Never Been To Arizona In June

July 13, 2018
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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced […]

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GQ is Telling Peepz to Have Beach Sex

July 11, 2018
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Sometimes fantasies are better than the reality. I think that’s the case most times, actually. You daydream about banging in public with someone ultra attractive. Then you find someone who is willing to fuck in a back alley and it ends up this awkward exchange of thrusts. I’m not telling you not to fantasize…Fucking do […]

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Neighbors Liken Woman’s Loud Sex Noises To Donkey

July 10, 2018
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I’m a passionate but soft-spoken man. My general goal whenever I leave the house is to make as little noise as possible and my entire social life is built around carrying conversations in public with nonverbal communication. Unfortunately, when I do get excited I squeal with uncontrollable joy. Depending on who you ask, giggling during […]

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