A Delightfully Strange Week In Nakedness (And Half-Nakedness)

by CALICO RUDASILL on November 2, 2018

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

As a connoisseur of weird news, I sometimes go several weeks without seeing a story which really tickles my fancy.

Some just aren’t that weird – like a guy who works at a pot dispensary using a bong to fight off a trio of would-be robbers. In context, what he did wasn’t the least bit strange; he was merely using the only implement available to him to defend his employer’s stash.

Other weird news stories are more endearing than odd, like a deputy sheriff luring a massive pig back to his home without incident, using Doritos to entice the piggy back into his yard.

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Of course, weird news isn’t truly Calico-worthy unless it involves sex – or half-nakedness, at the very least.

While there’s nothing strange about sexy calendars (hell, everyone from firefighters to taxi drivers has put out those things over the years), there is something a little strange about it when the focus of the calendar is a world leader.

Of course, Vladimir Putin isn’t just any world leader; he’s a world leader who, as Sarah Palin once pointed out doesn’t wear “mom jeans.”

OK, so we know whatever Putin wears on the lower half of his body, it won’t be mom jeans – but what will purchasers of his latest calendar find on the months and pages within?

“The calendar kicks off January with an image of a bare-chested Putin dipping into the icy waters of Lake Seliger to observe the Russian Orthodox Epiphany,” reports TIME, citing The Guardian (maybe directly reporting on the contents of this calendar is just too dangerous for TIME’s liking?) “Putin’s image as an avid sportsman is also on display throughout the year, with photos of him wielding a shooting range pistol, playing hockey, horseback riding and cycling along a wooded road.”

Hockey, guns and cycling, oh my!

One thing is for sure: If you’re in Moscow and you want a copy of Sexy Vlad’s calendar of delights, you’d better act fast, because according to CNN, historically these things tend to sell like hotcakes.

And I Thought Swimming In Public Pools Was Risky…

While Putin’s half-nakedness in the pages of a calendar is fun (in a horrible, murderous-dictator kind of way) the clear winner of this week’s Naked in the News award goes not to Vlad, but to a Canadian jackass who “swam naked among sharks at Ripley’s Aquarium of Canada in downtown Toronto.”

While the Toronto Police are on the lookout for this guy, it turns out he’s wanted not for his swimming-with-sharks stunt, but for assaulting another human earlier the same evening.

Evidently, the suspect fled the scene of the assault and zoomed to the aquarium, which is about three miles east of where he allegedly committed the assault.

One might think he’d have been content to merely hide inside the aquarium – but that’s just not how this guy rolls, evidently.

“A minute-long video, shot at the aquarium and posted on YouTube, shows a man taking off his clothes and diving into the Dangerous Lagoon, a 2.9-million-litre tank that offers an underwater gallery to dozens of marine animals, including 17 sharks,” the CBC report continues. “The man can be seen doing the breaststroke on the surface of the water while sand tiger sharks swim within centimetres of his feet.”

On the plus side, it sounds like the only damage he did at the aquarium was to one onlooker’s nerves.

“The guy seemed totally relaxed and there were sharks, like, everywhere,” a woman named Erinn Acland told the CBC. “He appeared to be totally nude and, like, laughing. I don’t know what would possess someone to do that. It’s totally insane to me. I was scared I was going to witness the death of this guy.”

On the one hand, this was a stupid and potentially hazardous stunt. I don’t much care about the guy, but it would have been a real shame if he’d injured or otherwise troubled any of the sea creatures among whom he swam.

On the other hand, I think swimming with sharks would be a great look for a world leader who likes to project an image of strength and courage – not to mention comfort in the water. Does Ripley’s Aquarium have any interest in expanding its operations to Russia?

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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