And I Thought MY Brother Was A Dick?

by CALICO RUDASILL on April 21, 2017

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

When I was 14, I was just as insecure and self-conscious as any other teenager, maybe even more so. Like so many others in the days before blogging, social media and other more advanced platforms existed, I tended to jot down my thoughts in a paper diary, wherein I recorded my most closely-held fears, fantasies and dreams.

I kept my diary stashed in the middle drawer of my nightstand, a location which for some reason seemed secure and impenetrable to me, despite not having a lock or anything else to prevent those nosey and intrusive enough to do so from opening the drawer.

Well, one of those who was certainly nosey and intrusive enough was my older brother, James. One day, while I was out of the house, James and a couple of his friends raided my room, found the diary, and set about entertaining themselves by invading my privacy.

I came home to find James’ friend Stephan sitting on my bed, howling with laughter with James and some other schmuck, as Stephan read aloud a passage about me having a crush on another friend of theirs. To put it mildly, I was mortified. To put it more realistically, I was so angry I wanted to pull my brother’s eyes out and stomp them into the carpet.

James and I later became so close as to be nigh inseparable as young adults, but this event marred our teenage brother/sister relationship for years. At the time, I thought this was simply the worst thing a guy could do to his sister.

Looking back, I sort of wish someone had pulled me aside and told me the story of Joan Crawford and her brother, who makes mine sound like St. George.

Hal Crawford Would Fit Right In With The ‘Revenge Porn’ Crowd
While the reports I’ve read about the “stag films” Joan Crawford allegedly appeared in refer to her “starring” in two “pornographic films,” if you think for even one second about what is known about these movies, saying she ‘starred’ in them is a real stretch.

According to the Daily Mail piece linked above, “among the films Crawford is believed to have been featured in are ‘Velvet Lips,’ ‘The Plumber’ and ‘She Knows Best.’”
Here’s the thing; if someone is put in the position of merely believing you appeared in any given film, this rather implies the film in question was not widely distributed, no? It’s not as though anyone watches “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” and comes away having to wonder if it was really Joan Crawford playing Blanche Hudson.

To put it another way, ‘starring’ in a stag film shot in the 1920’s was a bit like having a ‘career’ as a bookmaker around the same time; both are possible to do legally these days, but back then…. Well, let’s just say we should all easily be able to understand why, if she really did perform in some, Joan was keen to keep her roles in such films on the downlow.

Hampering Joan’s effort to keep the films hush-hush was none other than her lovely brother Hal, who if he had been born in the mid-80s probably would have wound up business partners with Hunter Moore.

Hal, who apparently lacked his sister’s talent, drive and looks, is alleged to be the person behind a blackmail scheme targeting Joan, years after she’d appeared in the stag films.

Jesus, Susan and God, Hal; blackmailing your own sister? What other bright ideas did this guy have for getting ahead; selling his father’s corpse to a necrophile?

Some People Just Don’t Know How To Show Gratitude
Making this insane story even worse, Joan’s brother started threatening to provide copies of the stag films to the media after his sister had taken him into her home and provided him financial support.

“Crawford would end up supporting her mother and brother financially in 1929 after her Hal showed up unannounced at her home and she later sent for her mother,” the Daily Mail reports, based on input from David Bret, author of Joan Crawford: Hollywood Martyr. “She grew weary of the two soon after, who she viewed as a financial drain and whose behaviors and morals were not in line with her own she would claim in her latter years. That is when they began to blackmail her and threaten to sell stories for money, which forced her at times to make payoffs.”

You know, the more I read about this, the less Stephan reading my diary all those years hence seems like a big deal. I also like to think if I had tucked any naked Polaroids of myself in between the pages of my diary, James would at least stopped short of selling them to Stephan…. But maybe I’m being too charitable; they were teenage boys, after all.

Or Maybe This Is All Much Ado About Stag-Nothing?
Put in modern terms, Hal’s message to his sister appears to have been “Thanks for all the financial assistance, sis – and by the way, you better keep the money coming or I’ll sell your sex tapes to TMZ.”

Whatever Joan and MGM did to keep the movies from surfacing, evidently it worked, because while the videos are rumored to be in someone’s private collection, somewhere, they have never come to light.

Of course, it’s also possible there’s less fire than smoke when it comes to these legendary Joan Crawford stag films. After all, among those who have supposedly seen them, there’s less than universal agreement the featured star is really who people claim.

As MGM attorney J. Robert Rubin reportedly said upon seeing one of the films, “If that’s Joan Crawford, then I’m Greta Garbo.”

Hmmm…. Anybody know if Great Garbo secretly had a law degree?

Calico Rudasil is a (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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