And That’s Why Doctors Go To Medical School

by CALICO RUDASILL on February 15, 2019

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

Over the years, I’ve heard of some very dumb home remedies people have cooked up to deal with various health problems.

One involved a guy who had read somewhere it was a good idea to run an electrical current into a bite wound left by a venomous animal – so when he got bitten on the lip by a rattlesnake, he figured the best thing to do would be to hook up his lip to his truck battery. I don’t think his face blew off (a car battery doesn’t have that kind of juice to it) but I’m relatively certain the resulting sensation probably wasn’t the quick relief he had in mind.

Some folks like to rub butter onto their burns – which might seem like a good idea on some level (“At least my badly singed flesh will taste better now!”), except that butter actually retains heat, which obviously is not what you want when you’re trying to make a burn feel better.

And, of course, there’s always the real cure-all, according to some: Robitussin.

Wait, You Injected WHAT into Your Arm?

Most home remedies are based on something – a story someone heard from their wizened grandmother, something a person saw a cast member of Survivor do, or at least a rumor they half-remember being passed around at work once upon a time.

Others are harder to explain – much harder to explain.

Like, for instance, a guy in Dublin who showed up complaining of lower back pain, but whose swollen, discolored right forearm caught the eye of his physicians because…. Uh…. Well, I’ll just let the doctors explain.

“This gentleman had a history of chronic low back pain without neurology,” the Irish docs wrote in a summary of the patient’s case. “Thorough physical exam of the upper and lower limbs revealed an erythematous papule with a central focus on the medial aspect of his right upper limb. His ASIA score for neurology was normal and non-contributory. The patient disclosed that he had intravenously injected his own semen as an innovative method to treat back pain.”

Up until you reached the italicized portion of the quote above, my bet is that you, like me, were just reading along, quietly wondering what all this physician mumbo-jumbo was about – and probably what the hell a “erythematous papule” might be. But then you got to “intravenously injected his own semen” and did a double-take straight from the movies.

At Least He’s Original

OK, so maybe it wasn’t the best idea, seeing as how shooting up his semen led to his arm developing cellulitis and oedema. But you must give the (mercifully anonymous) guy this much: He’s one innovative fellow.

According to the docs, the semen-shooting patient in question “had devised this ‘cure’ independent of medical advice.”

“This is the first reported case of semen injection for use as a medical treatment,” they observed.

Plus, you can’t accuse the patient of being a dabbler, or not to sticking to his guns when at first his home remedy failed to produce results.

“Upon further interrogation of this alternative therapy, he revealed he had injected one monthly ‘dose’ of semen for 18 consecutive months using a hypodermic needle which had been purchased online,” the docs wrote. “Upon this occasion the patient had injected three “doses” of semen intra-vascularly and intra-muscularly.”

That’s right – he didn’t just inject semen into his veins, he injected it straight into his muscles, as well. Hey, “if at first you don’t succeed” and all that, right?

Bottom Line: Heroin Isn’t the Only Thing You Shouldn’t Inject in Your Arm

Lest you think the only reason these Irish docs wrote up this case study was the opportunity it presented to engage in some bad wordplay (the title of their case study is “Semenly” Harmless Back Pain: An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous Abscess), they did offer readers a tidbit of wisdom we’d all do well to remember.

“While suicide attempt by intravenous injection of harmful substances is well described, this unique case demonstrates risks involved with innovative treatments prior to clinical research in the form of phased trials inclusive of safety and efficacy assessments.”

You hear that, all you advocates of intravenous semen injection? Before you go around extolling the health benefits of mainlining your cum, you should at least conduct a phased, double-blind clinical trial. Good luck finding volunteers!


Calico Rudasil is a (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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