Does It Make That Dunuhnuhuhnh-Ditittititit Sound?

by CALICO RUDASILL on August 17, 2018

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

As I often tell observe to my nieces, when I was kid, TV wasn’t anything like it is today. Among other things, we had about six channels and you had to physically turn a knob on the television itself to switch between them.

By contrast, at my sister’s house these days they appear to receive approximately 400 million channels and if they want to change the channel, they talk to their remote control.

Anyway, one cool thing we did have when I was kid was The Six Million Dollar Man, starring Lee Majors, Richard Anderson and a trademark sound effect which let you know when the expensive fellow used his “bionic” powers.

Doesn’t Calling It Bionic Create Unrealistic Expectations?

So, what made me think about Steve Austin (no, not that Steve Austin, this Steve Austin) today, you might reasonably ask? Why, it was a headline in a British tabloid, of course!

EXCLUSIVE: Man born without a penis will finally be able to have sex for the first time after having a £50k bionic manhood fitted… but he’ll have to walk around with 10-day erection first.

OK, not only is that headline extremely long, there’s also a lot to unpack in there.

First off, maybe I’ve just grown accustomed to the high price of American healthcare, but offhand $65,590.95 (which is what £50k currently translates to) just doesn’t sound like a lot to pay for a “bionic penis”.

I suppose the price would depend in part on the thing’s capabilities. For example, can he just use it to pee, have sex, masturbate and the usual guy/penis stuff? Or can he potentially fight off a robotic Sasquatch with it?

Second, along the same lines as my question above, might it not create unrealistic expectations in the mind of its recipient (and perhaps his sexual partners as well) to call his new machine-penis “bionic”? If someone told me I had just purchased a “bionic vibrator,” for example, you can forget about my first use of it being masturbation. I’d want to test out its strength and potency first, perhaps by attempting to cut down a tree with it.

Hold On; Did You Just Say A 10-DAY Erection?

Now, I’m no doctor, but there is one thing I know about medicine, thanks to the many television ads I’ve seen for drugs like Cialis and Viagra: If a man experiences an erection which lasts four hours or more, he’s supposed to call his doctor.

If my math and the Daily Mail’s headline are both correct, I figure this guy’s doctor stands to receive 60 phone calls from the patient. Or maybe during the first one, the doctor will say “Yeah, that’s going to last a couple weeks. Call me in August if you’re still pitching a perma-tent then.”

What I can’t figure is why this bionic penis seems to be missing some key features, functions which would really come in handy for its recipient.

For instance, according to the article “a pump has been fitted, which will give him an erection at the push of a button.” That’s great, but why not have a second button which would deflate the penis, just in case – oh, I dunno – he winds up with an erection which lasts 10 days?

I’m sure it’s not that simple, but if they’re able to develop a bionic penis, I’d like to think they could develop something to keep that fucking thing under control, lest it take over its host and send him on a rampage in which he goes around chasing down and destroying delivery trucks for no good reason.

Wait, How Big IS This Thing?

Jokes aside, I hope everything works out great for this guy and that his bionic penis makes him feel more whole. From the sound of it, he’s got a good attitude and is adjusting to having a robodick already.

“I’ve spent 44 years without a penis and I’ve coped with not having sex for all that time,” he said. “It will take me a while to get in the swing of things. Of course, I’m looking forward to (sex). But, for me, it’s not the be-all-and-end-all. It’s a by-product of the operation. It will enable me to feel part of society.”

See what I mean? He’s in the right frame of mind.

“I do feel different,” he conceded. “I’m very aware there’s some robotics inside me but it feels a part of me now. I’m very aware that I am half-human half-robot at the moment.”

Wait a minute; he’s half robot now? Just how big a robodick did these British mad scientists give him, anyway?

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:


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