Feel Lucky, Neighbors; It Could Have Been Phish

by CALICO RUDASILL on May 19, 2017

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

During my college days and about the next 10 years which followed them, I moved around a lot. Along the way, I had more than one Neighbor from Hell.

These nightmares next door ranged from a lovely couple who liked to smoke crack in the afternoon as a prelude to spending the evening beating each other with various blunt instruments, to a fellow who liked to loudly paw through my trash bin at first light every Thursday morning (in search of what, God only knows) before the garbage truck appeared to cart off the refuse.

While he was hardly the most objectionable in other ways, perhaps the most irritating of my neighbors was a dreadlocked young fellow who had a real thing for “jam band” music – which would be fine, except he appeared unable to listen to groups like Phish or Widespread Panic at anything less than the absolute maximum volume his high-wattage home stereo system could support.

I can put up with just about any kind of music blaring for an hour or two (except maybe songs hailing from the dreaded “boy band” genre), but by the same token, if as my neighbor you crank up any sort of noise hour after hour, day after day, I’m liable to show up on your front stoop holding a machete and a bucket with your name on them.

Is That Porn, Or Are You Just Doing Squats With A Groin Injury?
I’ve also lived next door to people who regularly engaged in very loud sex – something which also can become irritating, but which I feel uncomfortable getting at mad at people over. Why spoil their (evidently considerable) fun with my jealous complaints?

That said, I’m not entirely sure how I’d feel about a neighbor who constantly cranked up porn at a volume so loud it interfered with my midday Netflix-binging, as an unidentified 75 year-old German man allegedly has been doing over the course of the last year and a half.

Per the article, the man “allegedly made his neighbors’ lives hell by watching porn films with the volume turned all the way up at his home in Hennef, Germany.”
“His neighbors, a couple in their mid-sixties,” the article continues, “said they had been so put off by the sexual noises from next door, they could no longer watch their favorite series in the afternoon.”

Look, I’m all for people watching porn and having a splendid time doing so, but if someone is watching actual sexual conduct so loudly I can’t hear the simulated sexual conduct within an episode of Jessica Jones, I’m probably going to lose my shit, too.

At the same time, I might have been slower to assume what I was hearing was porn, especially if my neighbor was slick enough to come up with another explanation which sounded plausible.

“It was not porn, it was live,” insisted the accused man, claiming he regularly employs the services of prostitutes. “You do not listen to porn movies that loud.”
Personally, I think there’s another possible explanation; have you ever heard the noises which come out of some men while they’re working out? There’s a guy at my gym who, every time he lifts a barbell, for all the grunts and groans he emits, you’d think a broom handle was being shoved up his butt until it met and shook hands with his prostate gland. It’s a bit amusing, sure, but also bothersome in that it’s hard to keep my pace steady on a treadmill when I have the giggles.

A Fine Paid To The Victim; Why Didn’t I Think Of That?
Reading about the outcome of the legal case against the unidentified loud porn-watcher, I was also struck by the nature of the settlement agreement. Rather than paying a civil fine to the city, the man was required to kick 100 euros directly to his neighbors as compensation for their auditory suffering.

Man, I wish I had thought of that 25 years ago, instead of just gritting my teeth or going to the library every time I heard “Won’t you step into the freezer…. Seize her with a tweezer” coming through the goddam wall.

Then again, I don’t live in Germany, so had I taken my Phish-beef to civil court, there’s no guarantee I would have been happy with the outcome. Who knows; here the judge might have ordered me to take a sensitivity training course from Jerry Garcia.

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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