For The Sake Of Security, I’m Now Actively Misleading My Dildo

by CALICO RUDASILL on February 9, 2018

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

It’s so hard to know who and what can be trusted these days, especially when it comes to respecting one’s personal and sexual boundaries.

The seemingly endless parade of entertainment figures and journalists being called out for sexual harassment was bad enough; then I find out even one of the very few Senators I didn’t assume to be a walking pile of narcissistic shit goes around groping women.

All the abuse and harassment perpetrated by famous men is disheartening enough – but now we find out we can’t even trust our own vibrators.

Seriously, what is this world coming to?

That Sinks It: I’m Only Using ‘Dumb Dildos’ From Now On

As the Verge piece linked above reports, the Lovense Remote “recorded a use session without their knowledge.”

“An audio file lasting six minutes was stored in the app’s local folder,” the article continues. “The user says he or she gave the app access to the mic and camera but only to use with the in-app chat function and to send voice clips on command — not constant recording when in use. Other users confirmed this app behavior, too.”

Are you kidding me? Did the user at least have to call the vibrator by name before it started eavesdropping?

I’ll admit, I was curious about ‘smart’ sex-toy technology for a time, but that was before reading about this creepy vibrator-spy, the hackable, blue tooth-enabled butt plug and the We-Vibe lawsuit. At this point, I’m not even sure I trust a device which has batteries, let alone microphones and an internet connection.

From now on, I’m sticking with good old-fashioned dumb dildos. In fact, I’m so stimulator-paranoid at this point, I’m banishing my so-called “massage wand” to my storage shed, pending a full investigation of what happens when you put it in heat mode. For all I know, it’s recording sensitive data about my lower back muscles and reporting it directly to Vladimir Putin.

A Prophylactic Disinformation Campaign

Given how small and unobtrusive microtechnology and nanotechnology can be, I don’t even feel completely safe using my least sophisticated sexual gratification aids anymore. So, just to be safe, I’m adopting the habit of lying to my dildo several times a day.

I figure if the manufacturer is listening to me, I can at least waste some of their time, effort and money by sending them on wild goose chases, and leaving behind honeypot-style sound files which will cause them to reveal themselves.

Just last night, for example, I spent several minutes in bed talking loudly about how much I’d like to buy a Toyota Prius, with my trusty old not-smart dildo nearby on my nightstand. I figured if I logged in this morning on my laptop and was met with a bunch of Prius ads, I’d know my dildo had passed along the information and he’d be busted.

So far, so good; I’ve seen no suspicious Prius ads, just the usual scareware popup consoles trying to convince me I owe the IRS a bunch of money, a fact which will for some reason totally go away if I purchase a Best Buy gift card for the purported IRS agent in question.

The Internet Of (Nosey) Things

It’s not just smart vibrators and hackable butt plugs we’re forced to reckon with, of course; with internet connectivity and smart technology being dropped into everything from refrigerators and washing machines to dog activity monitors and toothbrushes, if we’re not careful we’ll soon be getting spied upon in every corner of our homes.

If popular works of science fiction are any indication, it’s only a matter of time before all these devices become self-aware, hostile to humans and determined to conquer the world.

The rest of you can take your chances with that shit. Me, I’m going to get myself a cabin in Montana, start washing my clothes in a bucket and replace all my current sex toys with organic, renewable masturbation devices, like appropriately-shaped vegetables.

Hmmm. “Smart cucumbers” aren’t a thing yet, right?

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:


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