Free Porn At Starbucks!

by Calvin Clark on August 10, 2017

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Although coffee aficionados mock their overly sweet concoctions and burnt beans, Starbucks is one of the most popular places for Americans to get their caffeine fix. Personally, I don’t mind the coffee there and I’d much rather deal with a Starbucks barista than some cocky hipster at a pretentious independent cafe. There’s also the free porn.

A while back Starbucks drew criticism for failing to block internet pornography from the free Wi-Fi available in their cafes. The company was warned over a year ago that younger patrons were being exposed to “the most obscene pornographic sites,” or as well call it in the industry “the good shit.” While Starbucks hasn’t really responded to these claims, their caffeine peddling competitors have pointed out that they filter their free internet access. Is this supposed to persuade me to go there?

I like my coffee the way my mom likes her pool boys: hot and black. I also like pornography – even if I’m not watching it at the moment, I like to know that I could if I wanted to. If a kid is too young to be around the occasional porn video he or she probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee either. Let those assholes go to McDonald’s and drink average coffee in a no-fun zone. Leave Starbucks alone!

Starbucks should remain exactly how it is – the best place to get mediocre coffee from attractive college aged baristas while having the freedom to watch porn or read Peeperz. If you can’t handle this level of freedom then you probably don’t have a strong enough heart to be drinking coffee in the first place.

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