Have You Met My Partner?

by CALICO RUDASILL on September 7, 2018

Post image for Have You Met My Partner?

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

Over recent years, I’ve noticed a marked increase in the number of headlines which imply that prior to reading the articles they sit atop, we misinformed readers have been operating under some manner of delusion about the subject in hand.

I’m speaking of “real reason” headlines – as in the “real reason elevators have those small holes,” or the “real reason gang green can’t trade Teddy Bridgewater yet” (whatever the hell that means) or the “real reason Roseanne Barr got fired.”

What I love about these headlines, aside from the obvious charm of their presumptuous, condescending tone, is they set up expectations for the content of the article which the text often struggles to satisfy.

Take the real reason headline which caught my eye today, for example: “The Real Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Have Sex.”

Note to Reader’s Digest: Believe It Or Not, Many Of These Reasons Have Already Occurred To Us

If you scroll through the list of reasons why my partner (and, presumably, your partner as well) doesn’t want to have sex, the first thing you’ll notice is you’ve probably heard many of these before – if not directly from your partner, then from some TV talking head or self-help author.

“Considering that money troubles are a top cause of a breakup, it’s not a surprise that financial issues can cause rifts in even the most harmonious couples,” the article states.

You’re right Reader’s Digest: that is indeed not a surprise.

You want to know what is also not shocking or even particularly observant? “No reason at all” – a category of reason which apparently needed its own blurb, complete with a quote from someone named (I shit thee not) “Dr. Needle.”

“Sometimes people are not in the mood to be sexual – perhaps they are tired, stressed, dealing with family issues, or just not feeling it, explains Dr. Needle. When or if this is the case, she suggests the partner back off a little. ‘Let that be ok sometimes,’ she adds. ‘If it becomes a consistent concern, address with sensitivity and ‘I’ statements, so as to not put your partner on the defensive.’”

Call me crazy, but to me being tired, stressed out or “dealing with family issues” all sound like reasons to me, not non-reasons.

But hey, I’m no expert. And I’m certainly no Dr. Needle – which, to me, sounds more like the name of a supervillain who occasionally squares off against the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers than someone from whom I want sex advice.

Excuse Me – WHO Stopped Being Well-Groomed And Well-Dressed?

Another reason my partner might not want to have sex, evidently, is a “lack of self-care.” At first, I thought they meant he’d stopped caring about himself, but that’s not the implication here.

“At the beginning of a relationship, it’s likely you took the time to be well-groomed and well-dressed,” says Jenny Block, a sex educator and author. “If you can’t be bothered to do that, why should your partner be bothered to have sex with you?”

He’s sitting on the couch in a sweat-stained undershirt, drinking Schlitz from a can while watching some horrible talk show, and I’m the one who isn’t taking the time to be well-groomed? What’s next; you’re going to blame his prodigious beer belly on the fact I skipped aerobics class twice in the last month?

Frankly, this entire list is starting to make me wonder if Reader’s Digest meant for my husband to read this article and not me. Except for the “never-ending to-do lists” one, that is. My to-do list only gets unduly long when Thursday night rolls around, and I still haven’t done any of the things listed under Monday morning.

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

Previous post:

Next post: