How Much Do Porn Stars Charge To Rake Leaves?

by CALICO RUDASILL on August 18, 2017

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

To be honest, most of the hot, fleeting trends which come along in the world of adult entertainment don’t interest me very much as a porn viewer. My tastes and kinks were set in erotic stone long ago, and I’m more inclined to watch old favorites again than explore territory which is truly new to me.

Still, every so often along comes a trend which piques my curiosity, even if it doesn’t touch on a specific sexual fantasy or desire of mine.

I’m experiencing such curiosity right now, as I read about “bespoke porn,” an area examined in recent podcasts from journalist/documentary filmmaker Jon Ronson.

Porn With A (Very Specific) Purpose
It’s probably not accurate to call bespoke porn a “trend,” I suppose, since it just means porn made to the specifications of a viewer willing to pay for the creation of custom scenes, but with the flurry of mainstream attention its receiving, thanks to Ronson, it sure feels like one.

For the people who place the orders for bespoke porn, the movies often appear to serve a purpose, one which isn’t always related to titillation – or not obviously so, at least.

Take the example of the man who paid to have a video shot of his massive stamp collection being destroyed, for instance. Evidently, watching stamps burn isn’t this guy’s ‘thing’ (although humiliation sounds as though it is), but a cathartic act recommended by his psychologist.

“The bespoke film begins with a book of stamps on the floor of a living room,” according to an account from the Independent. “Three young women in school uniform come into the room, notice the book and start making fun of it… The women then start stomping on the stamps – another specific request – and eventually burn the book.”

While this might seem a strange form of therapy, it sounds as though the film has resulted in a very satisfied customer.

“He said he watches it every day,” the Independent piece says of the custom film’s financier.

Not An Official Diagnosis, But Doing Yard Work Depresses Me
While I don’t have a psychologist’s recommendation to back up the idea, I’m still quite confident commissioning a bespoke porn movie in which a bunch of buff, shirtless guys trim trees, rake up leaves and generally spruce up my yard would do me a world of good.

Since the word buff has never applied to my husband, and his entire circle of male friends contains exactly one guy with visibly discernable abdominal muscles (and he lives on the other side of the freaking country), my options for making my fantasy of employing well-muscled landscapers happen are quite limited. Basically, I can either trawl the local day-laborer lines demanding that each prospect strip down for an inspection to assure they measure up, or I can commission a bespoke porn and sacrifice landscaping experience for the sake of aesthetics.

Do I Pay Ala Carte, Or Can I Get A Volume Discount?
The problem is, once I get started ordering bespoke porn, I’m not sure my budget can withstand the strain of future indulgences.
After all, yard work is far from the only thing I need done around here, and since I’ve forbidden my husband from ever handling a hammer again after a recent DIY project debacle ended in a frenzy of bloody fingers and loud cursing, having the work done in-house is out of the question.

I guess what I need is a price list; how much would these bespoke porn performers charge to paint the trim on my house, for example? Do they charge by the hour, or do they submit a bid for the full job?

And because we’re talking about something porn-related here, I also know I need to ask in advance about bonuses, add-ons and upsells. For example, if one the performers/painters happens to start masturbating in the middle of the job, and I happen to watch him do it, is that extra, or included in the original price? Will he clean everything up himself when he finishes, or do I need to tell my husband a highly unusual bird shit on his ladder while he was at work?

How flexible and multi-talented are these performer/contractors, anyway? I mean, stomping on and burning stamps isn’t exactly ‘skilled labor,’ but what if the task I have in mind is more complex or delicate? Are these bespoke porn performers duly licensed and bonded, or just willing to be ‘bound,’ if you catch my drift?

Ultimately, what I’m really looking for is a complete kitchen makeover bespoke porno, including a new central landing, equipped with a snazzy granite countertop.

Just to be clear though, I don’t want any masturbating to be done in the process of building out the new kitchen… But if the guys simply can’t help themselves, when the moment of truth arrives, can they at least aim for the sink?

PHOTO CREDIT: Wasteland.com

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:


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