I’m No Justin Bieber Expert, But…

by CALICO RUDASILL on March 9, 2018

Post image for I’m No Justin Bieber Expert, But…

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

When it comes to modern pop culture, I’ll be the first to admit I’m hopelessly out of touch.

I’m so behind the times, my initial reaction to the average tabloid headline about a celebrity I spot while standing in line at Safeway is almost always “Who?

That said, my eyes do still function, so when I spotted a headline about a sex doll which is supposed to be a dead-ringer for Justin Bieber, I expected to find a sex doll which looked a lot like Justin Bieber.

Instead, what I got looked more like Gary Johnston from Team America: World Police than a Canadian pop idol who once got the shit scared out of him (over Bieber’s residential driving habits) by former NFL great Keyshawn Johnson.

Is It Just The Hair?

Honestly, I don’t understand how anybody arrived at the conclusion that this quasi-emo love doll is looks like Bieber.

Does the doll have a cross tattooed on its sternum? No. Does it say unbelievably stupid, tone deaf things about Anne Frank? No. Does it come equipped with a fast-food drive-thru window style headset microphone? No!

Frankly, when it comes to sex dolls available through AliExpress, I don’t think it looks much more like Bieber than this doll does – although, looking at its eyebrows, I suppose that second one could have been made with Leonard Nimoy or Zachary Quinto in mind.

Is it just the hair? And if it is the hair, isn’t the mop-top look a little behind the Bieber-times? I mean, this doll’s hair is just so 2014.

Hey Look: It’s Keanu Reeves! (Evidently)

If the doll everybody is up in arms about is Justin Bieber, then I submit to you by the same standard of similarity, this handsome silicon-constructed fellow is none other than a young Keanu Reeves. I mean, can’t you just picture him looking at Patrick Swayze and exclaiming “I am an F-B-I agent”?

Do you prefer your celebrity (almost) lookalike sex dolls with a bit of hair on their chest? Well ladies, feast your eyes on this old-school Burt Reynolds doppelganger! And with a brand name like “Bed Kungfu,” you just know he deserves both of those permanent thumbs-ups his little, inflatable hands are contorted into.

More good news, also from the fine people of Bed Kungfu, us ladies can also purchase from AliExpress a “male sex doll for women” which is also a “gay male mastubator rubber dildos flat chested inflatable anal sex doll” – because that’s not a confusing description, at all.

With Such A Description, How Can I Resist?

While I prefer a man with a good head on his shoulders, I suppose I could be persuaded to give a try to a simulated man with no head at all, assuming he sounds good otherwise. So, let’s take a look at the description for this well-endowed torso and see if he fits the bill.

“2017 Top Japanese silicone male sex dolls for women big penis TPE love toys new real adult female rubber sexy doll men realistic.”

On the one hand, almost all of the above can be confirmed as real, actual words; on the other hand, I’m not sure what TPE stands for in this context. Based on the photo, maybe it’s an acronym for “Torso with Penis Erect”?

In any event, I could just never persuade myself to purchase Mr. Big Penis TPE, even if his abs are, indisputably, quite nice. Why? Well, I’m not about to buy a sex doll without being able to inspect his nipples, scrotum and penis head due to the presence of irritating pink “no” symbols.

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

Previous post:

Next post: