Important Tips For Baby Making Season Has Begun

by RICK RODAY on January 6, 2018

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One of the most important parts of being a parent in this modern age is making sure your child has every conceivable advantage. Short of being born into a life of extreme wealth and privilege, the first thing you can do to give them the edge is make sure they’re as old as possible before entering Kindergarten.

Timing the birth of your child so he or she will be the oldest in their grade will mean they are further along developmentally over their idiot 4-year-old peers.

In some parts of the world that cut off is late September meaning now is the prime time to conceive a child who will go on to master primary colors and the alphabet before anyone else in their class. That also means this is the time we start hearing about obscure ways to help people get pregnant while they have crippling amounts of sex.

As a single 35-year-old man with no intention of ever being a parent I feel qualified to talk about this.

According to an article I read on a mom blog, the best way to get pregnant is to do every single stupid thing someone else told you to do all at once. This includes women laying on their bikes and doing bicycle kicks after sex to make sure that semen gets way up in there, using green sheets because it’s the color of fertility, and eating McDonalds fries after sex because, well, just because.

Once someone swears their quirky trick helped them get pregnant it becomes one of the things they tell everyone to do to help conceive. It’s kind of like how baseball players developed all their gross superstitions to help them win postseason games.

Should these super scientific methods not work you can always fall back to IVF.

Last year we read about a radio station that was giving away the gift of life by offering in virtro fertilization treatments to a needy couple who were trying to start a family. In this case the radio station was making sure families who entered the contest were deserving, offering to pay for the procedure and the following rounds of medication to improve the chances of success.

At any rate babies are perhaps the most beautiful and terrifying part of human existence. For every couple trying their hardest to conceive a child there’s another going through extreme lengths to avoid it. It’s kind of funny to think about people experiencing these opposite problems with pregnancy, but I supposed the vaginas always seem more fertile on the other side of the fence.


Image: Reagan Foxx in My Husband Is Right Outside… by Brazzers

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