Jane Bond Comes to Life

Everyone dreamed about growing up as James Bond as a kid. Killing people, traveling the world, driving Aston Martins with the wind blowing past our perfectly defined cheekbones. Boning Bond girls, then boning the enemy, then patching things up with the Bond girl and boning her again. Right up until that crappy Die Another Day movie, where Brosnan’s invisible car and ability to surf a tidal wave made you realize: “Hey, maybe this man’s life is slightly unrealistic.” In Isreal, however, they may have just hit the nail on the head when it comes to spy recruitment.

A council of rabbis have decided that yes, it is allowable under religious law that Isreali spies can sleep with the enemy to gain information. This is a big deal in Isreal, where the rabbis themselves are kind of big deals, it being the Holy Land and all. In a study called ‘Forbidden Sex for the Sake of National Security’, the rabbis decided that Jewish laws are cool with sleeping around for intelligence, or the ‘honey trap’ as they called it. They even went one step further, saying the act could be a ‘mitzvah,’ which means good deed, as you’d know if you ever wondered where your Jewish friend got that fancy watch right around his thirteenth birthday.

The rabbis aren’t just Bond fans: they quoted scripture to say it was okay. Apparently, in the Bible which we’ve totally meant to get around to reading, Yael the wife of Hever, lures the enemy chief Sisra into her tent. Then, she lulls him to sleep and sticks a tent peg through his dome. Religion is pretty kick ass sometimes. They also cited a recent case, where a spy named Cheryl Bentov lured a nuclear whisleblower to come to Rome with her under the guise as a slutty tourist. She then drugged him, and handed him over to authorities. There are also reports that Hamas leader Mahmoud al Mabhouh was lured to Dubai in a similar fashion, where he was promptly assassinated. What can we say? Jewish chicks have serious charm.

So why hasn’t the US jumped on board with this? Couldn’t we have just sent Angelina Jolie to Iraq 7 years ago, and saved us several trillion dollars? And if everything went wrong, at least we wouldn’t have been exposed to seven long years of Brangelina vs. Jen. And SALT. That movie sucked.