Mother Wants Son To Get Laid Before Harvard, Places Ad!

by Lola Byrd on July 24, 2013

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Ugh, parents are the WORST. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents growing up. I was pretty much the worst teenager you could possibly have and I got away with all my “bad” behavior because my parents were too busy getting high and drunk to notice (I’m making it sound worse than it was).

Fast forward a decade and now we’re all responsible adults and they won’t let me breath. It’s like they’re trying to make up for all the times they weren’t there, but sadly for them I’m not twelve anymore and I’ve already done all my growing up.

Seriously Mom, you don’t have to come stay with me because I have a small case of the gastric flu. I think I can manage to wipe my ass and drink lots of water by myself. I love her too death, but talk about a mother hen. AND she’s constantly trying to set me up. No joke, she will ask the gas station attendant how old he is to make sure he’s not too young for me.

THAT actually happened. The next time I saw him he asked me why my mother wanted to know his age. If I still possessed the ability to feel shame I would have been mortified. Instead, I smiled and told him she was trying to set us up. Let him blush, not me.

Whiiiiich basically makes me my mother.

However bad my mom is, at least she never put out an ad to find me a date. I can thank my lucky stars she’s an Internet newbie and doesn’t know about Craigslist or I might have to deal with something like this:


Of course, I’m no virgin, so my mother doesn’t have to pay someone to take my virginity or have sex with me. I’ve got a proven track record, I can make that happen myself.

How fucking embarrassing, though, if you were to meet a girl at a concert (good plan mom), you fuck, you date a little bit, she shows you different sexual positions (nice touch mom) and then she leaves you so you’re free to be a stud in college.

I mean, either way, this situation does not end well. You either end-up with a broken heart or you find out that your mother basically hired a hooker for you. Sounds to me like the last thing this kid needs is a sugar baby. He does, however, need to get rid of his sugar mommy ASAP before he turns into the next Norman Bates.

Via – Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd

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