“Only In America,” Indeed

by CALICO RUDASILL on October 13, 2017

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

There are so many sayings, songs, memes and other forms of expression which contain the phrase “only in America,” it’s inevitable some of them will be flatly false.

It’s not true, for example, that “only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.” Lots of people who aren’t American want to avoid the sugar in a regular coke, not necessarily just the calories), after all, and there are many countries in which one can buy a “value meal” featuring all three of these items.

Despite what Brooks and Dunn may say to the contrary, there’s also no shortage of countries in which “everybody gets to dance.” One such country is located directly to the north of the United States, in fact. Plus, I’m not sure some of our more devoted Baptists, Mennonites and Seventh-day Adventists here in America have received the memo about getting to dance, for that matter.

I’m sure America isn’t the only country in which rappers make sexually-explicit videos with porn performers, either, but it might be the only country in which a rapper who performs a song called “Only In America” has (apparently) already made a sex tape with a porn star.

Trust Me, The Full Scene Will Be For Sale Soon

If you’re frustrated by the fleeting, incomplete nature of the ‘sex tape’ in which RiFF RAFF purportedly plays a part, don’t fret: I’m sure the full scene will be available for purchase soon, if it isn’t already by the time the post is published.

Bella Elise Rose, the porn performer who tweeted out the teaser clip, assures us whatever it may look like, this video is not a sex tape.

“It was never meant to be a sex tape, we were just having fun,” Rose said, adding “Okay, so our fun happened to include a camera.”

This half-denial must be weighed against the text of her tweet, in which Rose said the “full video be on my only fans.” Plus, I have it on good authority RAFF “don’t do shit for free.” Of course, the same guy has also proclaimed he “don’t like to think,” so maybe he did do this video for free without thinking about it.

Either way, judging by other lyrics in the same song, we rest assured RAFF won’t be bothered by any criticism to which he’s subjected after taking part in this video, because he “don’t give a fuck” – or maybe that’s just another way of emphasizing that he demands payment for all coitus performed.

Is “Syrup In the Sprite” A Euphemism For Ejaculate?

While lyrical analysis is hardly my strong suit, I still feel like I’m good at spotting clues within rhymes and turns of phrase, just not so handy at coming up with definitive interpretations thereof.

Along those lines and in the context of his latest “unofficial video” (so to speak), I can’t help but wonder if “syrup in my sprite” is some kind euphemism for ejaculate. Although, if so, given the nature and appearance of Sprite as a liquid, it’s also possible Mr. RAFF has been peeing on people and just isn’t entirely clear on the difference between the various fluids emitted by his penis.

Hmmm… Now that I’ve headed down this interpretative direction, I think I’d best refrain from venturing a guess as to what RAFF means when he says he was “stuck in denial, until my money was in a pile.”

Either Way, This Video Sure Beats “Cool As Ice”

It’s probably not fair to compare every white rapper who comes along to Vanilla Ice – but I’m not in the business of being fair, so fuck it.

Whatever one may think of Rose and RAFF’s roll in the hay, whether it’s good porn, bad porn, or somewhere in between, it’s undeniably superior to the Vanilla Ice romcom vehicle Cool As Ice – or maybe it isn’t. After all, when it comes to moments from movies which make me do a spontaneous spit-take, it’s hard to top this one.


Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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