Only Thirty-Three Percent?

by CALICO RUDASILL on July 20, 2018

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

I’ll never forget the first time I realized a pet was watching me have sex.

Sadly, it wasn’t very good sex, which is probably why my eyes wandered around until they spotted a cat standing on a dresser across the room from the bed, staring down at me and swishing its tail, looking irritated and impatient. Although it wasn’t a black cat, it still somehow reminded me of the iconic Le Chat Noir poster which has become a staple of overpriced furniture stores and shopping mall curio outlets.

It wasn’t even my cat – or for that matter, my partner’s cat. It was his roommate’s cat, and a nosier little furball could not be found. Still, mildly off-putting though it may have been, I figured even bad sex wasn’t worth interrupting just to shoo away a feline voyeur.

Maybe Aussies Are Mostly Dog People?

I’ve always figured most people don’t bother barring pets from walking in on them during sex, but the results of a recent survey make me wonder if I’m in the minority: According to RealEstate.au, one in three Australians “have admitted to doing the sideways mambo with their pet in the room.”

Immediately, I suspect there are some cultural differences in play here – starting with the term “sideways mambo,” which, to me, is an inferior version of “horizontal mambo.”

Maybe it’s just me, but one in three just sounds too low. Maybe some Australians are just too mortified by the prospect of other people knowing they have sex with their pets in the room to fess up, even in an anonymous survey?

Then again, maybe this isn’t just about pets watching as you have sex, but the kind of pet doing the watching. After all, just like the Australians polled in this survey, I too feel differently about the prospect of a dog watching me have sex than a cat doing the same.

The willingness to let cats watch might have something to do with convenience and proximity (in the same survey 66% of cat owners said they let their cats sleep in their beds at night, compared to 54% of dog owners), but if Aussies are anything like me, it might also be a trust thing.

Specifically, I trust a cat watching me have sex to not try to join in, way more than I do a dog. Hell, even if the dog has no idea what’s going on, he might start licking at stray limbs from beside the bed, just to get the taste of sweat on his tongue, because dogs are just gross like that.

There’s More Than One Way For A Pet To Kill The Mood

A woman named Beck Lee made an interesting and important observation which may go a long way towards explaining why some folks acquiesce to having their pets in the room during sex, even if they don’t particularly want their furry friends to do so.

“When we first got Graham, we locked him in the bathroom, but nothing kills romance more than a dog crying and scratching at the door,” Lee said.

I hadn’t really thought about this before now, but any time I close the bedroom door and leave it that way for more than twelve seconds beyond the time it takes my cat to notice its closed, he starts bellowing like someone is torturing him with a fork. It doesn’t matter if nobody is in the room, the cat doesn’t want to be denied his rightful territory, regardless of the reason.

Bottom line: Given a choice between the vaguely creepy experience of seeing my cat look at me with wonder while I’m having intercourse or trying to ignore his pathetic howls while I’m in the same state, I’ll gladly continue to take the option which doesn’t involve me getting out of bed.

That’s Not A Pet, It’s A ‘Weird News’ Headline Waiting To Happen

While Lee’s explanation of her voyeur-pet experience is easy for me to understand and relate to, there are some other Aussies whose anecdotes are… well, very Australian.

“Girraween crocodile owner Gunter Trnka said his four-meter pet saltie, Jaws, had probably seen him ‘get it on’ a few times,” reports NTNews.

For just 21 words, that sentence has all kinds of wrong in it.

To start with, a pet saltie? “Saltie,” in case you’re not familiar with the term, is short for saltwater crocodile, an animal which, in any country not named Australia, absolutely would not be considered a “pet.” Also, four meters is a little over 13 feet – which means Gunter here doesn’t just have a pet crocodile, he has a pet crocodile the size of a four-door sedan.

Oh sure, Gunter specifies he doesn’t let Jaws into the bedroom, but also notes “his pen is right outside my window,” meaning Jaws has “probably been given a show or two over the years.”

Uhhh, I think I’ll stick with cats, thanks. Sure, they can be quite nosy – but at least they can’t swallow me whole if they decide they’re hungry in the middle of the peep show.

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:


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