Stop Drunkenly Fucking That Bush

by Alpha Harlot on August 6, 2018

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No lie? I dig drunk sex. It’s sloppy and my inhibitions (yeah, I have some of those) totally disappear. One of the reasons I stopped drinking completely back a decade ago was because drunken sex was happening entirely too much with strangers.

I love a good stranger fuck, but doing that 5 nights a week is a bit much.

Plus if the sex was good and I wanted to reconnect, there was a high probability that I didn’t know how to get in touch with the person the day after.

Ah, that single Harlot life.

One New Year’s Eve, my roommates and I went to this bar for a party. It was pretty fucking crazy and I was the token “Wild Girl” in the group who didn’t give a fuck about how sexual I got with people. I was on the phone with this guy I was dating while I was outside smoking a cigarette. He was pissed off that I was out without him (meanwhile he was home with his wife and kids…IKR?). This sloppy frat boy approached me and asked for a light. The guy I was on the phone with got more pissed that someone was talking to me. I ended up hanging up on him and, to prove some invisible point I had made up in my head, I convinced the lighter-less man to let me suck his cock in the bushes right in front of the bar.

Everyone who came out to smoke saw us and I honestly didn’t give a fuck. His girlfriend apparently did though?

It was just a mess.

My knees were scraped for a few days after because of that fucking bush…so I implemented a, “No Sexy Time Stuff in the Bushes,” for myself.

There’s a guy in South Yorkshire, England who has the same philosophy.

Keith Tyssen is a topiary enthusiast who has been having an issue with people fucking his bush. Over the years, he has sculpted the greenery into the shape of a nude woman reclining. People see a naked lady reclining and feel like they need to have sex with her.

I’m not going to lie, I’d totally take a picture of my wife while she mounted this particular bush. It’s hilarious to pretend like you’re having sex with inanimate objects while your friends are snapping shots. I can’t even tell you how many pictures I have of me tweaking the nipples of random angel statues at all of the sculpture gardens I’ve been to. I think that’s a little different though because that’s public property.

Fucking Tyssen’s bush lady means you’ve got to be on his property and that’s what’s fucked up.

Don’t trespass and fuck bushes, Peepz. It’s only polite.

Source: BBC

Image: Kleio Valentien by American Whore Story by Brazzers

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