lui magazine

I was ready to write a rant about how much of an asshole my Dad can be, I was actually a paragraph in when I decided to delete it and start over, because these nude pictures of model Claire Fromaigeat don’t deserve to be associated with the negative vibes of a douchebro who just happened to knock up my mother thirty odd years ago.

Bad vibes be gone, I say!

I just Googled “Claire Fromaigeat” (a.k.a. Claire The Cheese in my head) and the first link that popped up is for one of those forums were dudes exchange sexy photoshoots of models they like and I gotta tell that at first glance, Claire seems to favor that slack-jawed dead-eyed model look in a lot of her photoshoots.

Sad, I know.

Thankfully, Claire’s inability to close her mouth works in this photoshoot — STOP THE PRESSES, I was just informed that Claire now goes by the moniker “Claire Guena” in an effort to get people to stop making cheese jokes, which is too bad, because I had a good one coming up — by Gaspar Noe, to be fair, however, Gaspar Noe is pretty much a genius and can make anything work.

I’d like to see what he could do with Emily Ratajkowski.

Whatever, I just like it when things are all shiny and wet. Those are good vibes and I want good vibes right now.

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I had a whole intro planned for this post, but then I forgot it. Every. Single. Word. Gone. I hate it when that happens. There I was doing the dishes and I thought of something brilliant I wanted to write. It was all composed in my head and then when I finally got to my laptop it all disappeared. Not a trace left.

Wait a minute while I look for an excuse… right, let’s say that upon staring at Bianca Mihoc beauty I was struck dumb and all the words were gone. Bye bye words.

Clearly my brain was made of spongy cheese before I ever set eyes on Bianca Mihoc (see all my previous posts for proof), but that doesn’t mean her beauty is any less dangerous for those of you who still have a brain left to strike dumb.

One look at Bianca and you might lose all conscious thought. Forget trying to impress your friends with all your scholarly language and intellectual theories. You’ll be lucky if you remember to keep your jaw shut to stop the flow of drool.

I just looked up the photographer and of course it’s David Bellemere. The guy is a genius. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a magicien, because he makes all of his models approximately ten times more attractive.

I didn’t say ten times more beautiful, because, for example, Bianca is beautiful all the time no matter who the photographer is, but David Bellemere has made her ten times more enticing. I don’t just look at these pictures and think she’s beautiful, I look at these pictures and want to touch her.

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Just the other day I was complaining to the internet that Elsa Hosk hasn’t been getting naked enough lately. For a while there she was naked all the time, but then she made it big with Victoria’s Secret and she turned into the kind of model that only models clothes. For shame.

Then the 2016 December issue of Lui Magazine happened and I’m free to complain about other things. Elsa Hosk is naked again, so that’s off the table as far as complaints go, but while we’re on the subject of Hosk and complaining can I just say that the Peepz over at Victoria’s Secret are doing something weird to her face. Almost sure they’ve frozen it in time. It’s, like, too pretty.

As usual, I’m bowled over by Barbara Palvin‘s combo of sultry blue eyes and thick brunette locks, but I’m actually really interested by Hilary Rhoda and Anais Mali. I’m sure they’ve both been around for a while, but this is the first time I’ve really taken notice.

I love Hilary’s angular face and Anais’s sexy doe eyes. The whole thing is working miracles on me. I’m almost tempted to get a subscription to Lui, but then I remember I’d have to read articles about luxury watches. Ain’t noboby got time for that. Okay, so I have time for that, but I just don’t wanna.

If I was into collecting hardcopies of things I’d probably try to track down all four Lui covers for December 2016.

lui-magazine

They’re all winners in my book. Except, why they hell is Anais smoking? That’s so 2015.

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I don’t know how many Rita Ora posts I’ve done on Peeperz, but I feel like it’s been a lot. Today, I finally got curious enough to check out her music on YouTube. I know, how is it possible that I’ve gone all this time without hearing her sing at least once? I don’t listen to the radio for one, so that probably helps and even if I did hear something or other hear and there I probably had no idea what I was hearing.

I’ve listened to three different songs on Youtube so far and I’m got to admit that she’s not the worst, but she’s close enough. I kid, I kid, she’s not bad, I just don’t like her music though. Thank God, she has great tits, because clearly that’s what most people care about. I wouldn’t know who Rita Ora is without those tits. You gotta be grateful for the small things (or big things in this case).

Terry Richardson who is still being hired by magazines despite the controversy surrounding his inappropriate behavior during photoshoots took these amazing pics of Rita for Lui Magazine. I think this is the closest we’ve come to seeing her fully nude. There’s a great frontal shot of her boobs and a great side shot of her ass. All we’re missing now is beaver and we’d have a full picture. #fingerscrossedforanupskirt

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Lui Magazine teamed up with photographer duo Luigi & Iango to bring us the world’s twelve most beautiful ladies to wish us a happy New Year! ‘Cause 2016 is obviously going to kick ass. If only because no one has predicted a disaster. We’ve cleared 2012, so we’re good for another few years at least before another failed Apocalypse.

This list is definitive and there’s no arguing. I don’t care if you’re favorite pretty lady isn’t on this list. If her name isn’t Amber Valletta, Anja Rubik, Carolyn Murphy, Daria Strokous, Edita Vilkeviciute, Isabeli Fontana, Jourdan Dunn, Lara Stone, Malgosia Bela, Mariacarla Boscono, Natasha Poly or Toni Garrn you’re shit out of luck.

Get on board, now. Clearly the most beautiful women are, for the majority, blonde and white with names that are impossible to spell without checking your cheat sheet. I feel like taking out my notepad, dusting it off, and writing Lui Magazine to inform them of my discontent. Only one MOC (model of color as opposed to WOC, which is women of color) to represent the world’s most beautiful women?! For shame. They could have at least thrown one Asian girl in there.

P.S. Lara Stone is clearly the best cover.

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I know I’ve waxed poetics about many a boob, many a time before, and I’ve definitely gone on and on and on about Martha Hunt‘s boobs prior to today, but I’m here to tell you to forget everything I’ve ever said, because these right here are my favorite boobs.

Martha Hunt as never looked so good, which makes me wonder: Who deserves the praise? Does Martha or photographer David Bellemere deserve my undying love for producing images as fap worthy as these? Should I send a gift basket to Martha’s parents for the DNA cocktail they provided or should I send an edible fruit bouquet to Lui Magazine?

Hard to say, hard to say. Thankfully, I probably have enough love to go around for everybody. Let’s not forget to thank the sun for providing the heat that made Martha’s skin glisten with sweat (or was that a dude standing nearby with a spray bottle full of water?). Oh and then there’s the inventor of the Popsicle.

I should definitely track done the ancestors of whoever came up with the idea to freeze sugar water and send them a thank you note. Without Popsicles we wouldn’t have picture number 4 and all it’s sticky greatness to be thankful for and I’m not sure I could continue living without it. And I like living, mostly.

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Elsa Hosk comes to me in my dreams where she whispers sweet nothings into my ear and urges me to go on adventures with her. Some nights we go skinny dipping in crystal clear blue water. Other nights, we take to the road and see where the wind and good fortune will take us.

Our travels aren’t always easy as pie, sometimes we are covered in dirt and our bodies ache from the packs we carry on our backs, but the sight of Elsa’s boobs always renews my sense of adventure. There is nowhere I would rather be than trailing behind Elsa while attempting to cross a rocky terrain.

Sometimes, out here in the wilderness it’s hard to get a ride. We can wait for hours on the side of the road before a single car passes, but on days when Elsa has taken off her shirt due to the suffocating heat someone will stop without fail. There could be five burly men waiting on the sidelines to hitch a ride with us and that car will stop, always.

Whether we’re hitchhiking from coast to coast or taking a day trip to the shore and back, Elsa is the perfect travelling companion, especially once we hit the beach and she disrobes to her thong. There’s a reason why Elsa Hosk likes to parade around topless or pantless, it offers a distraction to people who would be too easily taken in by her eyes. Trust me, you don’t want to get lost in those baby blues, you’ll never find your way out again.

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The Wifes from Mad Max: Fury Road are getting a lot of attention these days. It makes sense, magazines want to cash in on the Mad Max fury and what better way to do that then by showing off some of its kickass ladies getting half naked for some high gloss fashion porn.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, or Immortan Joe’s property as I like to call her, can be seen here getting freaky with a gold snake on a rubber ball. It’s quite nice. I mean, say what you want about Rosie, but she definitely has a banging body. A fact that becomes abundantly clear when you see her naked glory in profile.

Speaking of snakes, I was recently thinking about the four houses at Hogwarth’s and how Slytherin and Hufflepuff get an especially bad rap. I mean, obviously the star of the show is Gryffindor… everyone wants to be a Gryffindor, because they’re so good and courageous and amazing, while Slytherin is clearly evil and Hufflepuff is basically one giant goofball.

Now, that I’m older I’m starting to rethink this whole classification system. What’s so special about Gryffindor anyhow? Have you see Neville Longbottom these days, the man is gorgeous. Fair, loyal, and true, doesn’t sound so bad these days does it? Clearly, Rosie agrees what with her sporting the official Hufflepuff colors, yellow and black!

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I hope to look that good when I’m 37 years old. It’s probably gonna be a hard feat to achieve, though, considering I don’t look that good now. Well, I might if I underwent extensive photoshopping. Not that Malgosia Bela underwent extensive photoshopping  for this Lui Magazine photoshoot.  For all I know, she looks this stunning on the regular.

I think it’s the pigtails and the yellow straw eyeglasses, they are giving me major wood, especially when they are combined with that spectacular underboob. Those clear blue eyes aren’t half bad either. It’s like she can see into my soul. I’m afraid she won’t like what she finds there, but she’s welcomed to look anyhow.

Amazon looked into my soul and they didn’t like what they found there, because they deleted my account. Damn prudes, I posted one hey-this-is-cool-this-is-where-you-can-buy-it link on my personal blog and they sent me a nice little emailing telling me that because there is pornographic material on my site they went ahead and deleted my account. Those fuckers.

Malgosia Bela wouldn’t do me like that. She would treat me right. Starting by offering me a taste of her Popsicle and a ride on her big wheel. Cause that’s just how I roll.

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Damn. Lui Magazine is hooked up. I don’t know who runs that place, but they’ve got the best contacts. For some reason, ever since they relaunched Lui in 2013, after a few different incarnations, they’ve been able to get the best fashion models to disrobe for some of the best photographers in the biz. Or so I assume. Frankly, I’m kind of talking out of my ass on this one, but the fact remains that they’ve got lots of pretty ladies appearing nude on the cover, and in the pages, of Lui.

The gentleman’s magazine summer issue – a special double issue for July and August – has taken some of the hottest models around, most of whom are rising Victoria’s Secret models, and has showcased them like we’ve never seen them before. Well, actually, we’ve definitely seen the likes of Emily Didonato, Isabeli Fontana, Karmen Peradu, Lais Riberio, Magdalena Frackowiak, and Sara Sampaio like this before. I mean, they spend most of their time topless already, but we haven’t seen them all together being topless and wonderful, though, so that’s something.

Lui’s summer issue has six different covers –  a ploy to get the collectors to spend more money if I’ve ever seen one – one of each of the featured models and the mag is choke full of summer themed photographs taken by Mark Segal* of the aforementioned six cover babes. For those of you keeping track, that is a lot of topless models. A lot.

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