throw back thursday nudity edition

A lot of you may remember Tiffani Amber Thiessen (or rather Tiffany Thiessen since she dropped the Amber) as Kelly Kapowski on Saved By The Bell. Personally, I remember her as Valerie Malone on 90210. Kelly was a good girl, but Valerie was the TV show equivalent of Angelina Jolie, you know the one, she slept with all the guys and fought with all the girls. It’s was a nightmare and it was brilliant TV.

Tiff has the most ’90s sounding name that I’ve ever heard. I’m thinking that’s why she dropped the Amber, you know, in an effort to sound less like a stripper and more like a serious actress. Tiffani Amber Thiessen kind of rolls off the tongue, though, and it’s hard to change your name once it’s already been ingrained into people’s subconscious.

After making her exit from 90210, Tiffani did a few guest spots until she was cast as vixen police lieutenant Billie Chambers in the FOX hit Fastlane. Okay, so it wasn’t a hit, but it was still amazing and deserved much more than one season.

I loved Fastlane. Loved it! Fox was in the habit back then of cancelling great shows after only one season. I’m still mad about Firefly, John Doe, Keen Eddie, Tru Calling, Brimstone, and Wonderfalls. And of course Fastlane. So mad. Fox basically destroyed my faith in television.

At least Tiffani Thiessen never broke my heart. Her nude-ish pictures are always there to make me feel better, which I need after thinking of all those Fox shows that were cancelled before their time was up.

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I just had a live earwig in my mouth. How did this happen, Lola, you find yourself asking?! No, I was not trying out some new age cuisine. Nope, I was not so desperate for food that I decided foraging for grubs was a good idea. I was simply sipping through a straw.

I like drinking through a straw, okay. It makes everything taste better, but since I care about the environment and all that crap I bought myself a metal straw that can be washed and reused. I never thought to look through the hollow tube to make sure it was empty, but I should have because that first pull of smoothie was kind of chunky.

To my dismay, when I pursed my lips and spit the chunk into my hand it was not a piece of unblended kale as I had surmised, but rather a life earwig. Yes, the damn thing was still alive. Covered in green smoothie gunk, but still alive. It even survived being thrown across the room.

I searched for ten minutes, but I was able to find and kill the offending earwig. It was definitely the same bug; he still had some green smoothie on his pincers. I will be having nightmares about this for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use another straw.

There’s no coming back from this, even Zana’s magnificent boobs can’t soothe what ails me.

P.S. Doesn’t it look like the last four pics of this shoot were taken in a different decade than the rest of the pics? I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t think beyond the earwig. Although, I guess in this case it was a mouthwig.

P.P.S. I just stole that joke from someone.

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I want Denise Richards to write a tell-all book about her life with Charlie Sheen. I was a fan of Spin City back in the day when Charlie Sheen replaced Michael J. Fox as the lead of the show. Things were going so well for The Charles in the early aughts. At least it appeared that way in the media. Spin City was great and Two and a Half Men definitely had its moments.

Not only was his career pretty stellar in the early 2000s, but Charlie Sheen was married to Denise Richards. Clearly, the best thing to ever happen to him. BUT THEN HE WENT AND RUINED IT.

I read in an interview that Denise decided to pose for Playboy shortly after the birth of her daughter because she wanted people to know that when you’re a mother you’re still a sexual person. That stuff doesn’t just go away. Also, it appears her marriage to Sheen had started to hit a rough patch in 2004. She didn’t feel sexy and felt like she had something to prove.

Awwwww, so clearly bonehead Sheen cheated on her while she was pregnant, right? That’s what I got from that piece of information. What a douche!

Denise is pretty much the nicest person ever, though. After they broke up, Charlie had kids with Brooke Mueller and Denise ended up keeping those kids for a while because Charlie and Brooke were having a hard time with drugs. I don’t know many women who would happily take care of their ex’s new kids.

Even today, she’s helping Sheen rehabilitated his image with fun “we’re still a family” Instagram pictures. Sigh. You deserve better Denise Richards. You deserve better.

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I had never heard of Ego Magazine before stumbling upon this photoshoot from 2009 featuring Yana Kenzirovskaya. I did a little Googling and I don’t think it exists anymore, it’s hard to tell though, because a lot of the websites are in Ukrainian.

I did come across a funny entry, however. Are you Peepz familiar with those who dated who websites? They sort of map the dating history of celebrities, because that kind of information is golden. Anyhow, there’s an entry for Ego Magazine in whosdatedwho.com.

Apparently, Ego is single. Hear that ladies? Ego is ready to be swooped up into someone’s loving arms. Don’t wait too long before making a move. The competition is stiff out there.

As for the exquisite Yana Kenzirovskaya, she’s a Ukrainian model and DJ who is much easier to find on social media than Ego Magazine. Although, I still can’t read Ukrainian, so I’m shit out of luck on that front. Doesn’t stop me from looking at her Instagram pics, though, which proves that God is merciful.

Though, though, though, though, though. Second to like, it’s like my favorite word ever. Ever is third.

I wish I looked like Yana Kenzirovskaya, then maybe I’d have a chance to date a cool dude like Ego Magazine. You can tell he’s the type of magazine that only dates models. It’s in his name. Only arrogant douches have names like Ego. I bet he’s self-centered too.

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It’s been a decade since this photoshoot appeared in the Estonian issue of Playboy and it shows. I’m not sure what nude models look like in Estonia these days, but this isn’t it. I’m not saying it’s bad, because it’s not. Beatrice is quite fetching, but it’s almost like the stylist and photographer couldn’t figure out what decade they wanted to emulate, which just goes to show how confusing the aughts were in terms of fashion and makeup.

That said, there’s something I really like about the faded red lip stain and the high red cheeks in the third picture as if Beatrice was sucking on a cherry popsicle on a hot day. One can only hope that’s what she was doing in between shots.

As a young lass, I used to take cherry popsicles and repeatedly line my lips with the melting tip to stain them red. It was my way to get away with wearing lipstick without really wearing lipstick. I was a tricky little nymph. My parents hadn’t forbidden me from wearing makeup, it’s just that lip stains weren’t something that existed in my universe. I didn’t want to wear lipstick, I just wanted my lips to look flush as if I had just come out of a makeout session.

Another handy trick for those emergency moments when you run into someone and you suddenly wish you had swiped on some tinted lip balm before leaving the house, you can gently bite your lips to draw blood to the area. They will instantly look a little bit redder and fuller.

Ah yes, the secret joys of being a woman. Beatrice knows what I’m talking about. Beatrice knows.

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Back in 1998, Angelina Jolie was my ultimate celebrity crush. I still think she’s gorgeous, but I miss the knife wielding, blood wearing, crazy Angelina with an edgy style. These days (and ever since her image reform) Angie is kind of boring. She’s too much of a goody two shoes what with her UN work and altruistic persona.

And now she’s getting a divorce from her OTP Brad Pitt! What in the world will happen now?! Brad was only interesting because he was married to Angelina Jolie. Let’s face it, when he was with Jennifer Aniston they were the blandest of the blandest. I don’t understand how she keeps attracting “cool” dude types. She must be really, really, really nice IRL.

I wonder who Angelina will end up with next? It’s anyone’s guess. There’s always hope that she gets back with her first husband,  Jonny Lee Miller. Sure, he’s married to someone else now, but that has never stopped Angie before. Hardy har har, but for realz though. Angie and Jonny back together would be magical.

Did you know that when they got married in 1996, Angie was wearing a white t-shirt with Jonny’s name written in blood on it?

I want that Angelina back.

In the meantime, I guess I could just look at these pictures all day while imagining a better time and place. Ah yes, the ’90s ,they were the true golden era. How good did we have when Bill Clinton was President? Amirite.

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Oh man, the past was so great! This photoshoot is how you do Halloween. Don’t fuck around, just dress a woman up as a sexy scarecrow and call it a day. Don’t forget to finish the night off by taking a sponge bath in an old timey washing tub by the light of your oil lamp.

Wait, whaaa- Was this photoshoot taken in 1977 or 1877? The orange background on the cover pic screams 1977, but the lasso and studded saddled scream Wild Wild West.

Apparently, Susan likes it that way. She likes to think of herself as the reincarnation of a dance hall girl:

“Imagine having been one of a few girls in a saloon full of men who hadn’t seen a woman for six months or a year,” she told us. “All those lean, suntanned guys wearing boots, chaps and six-guns. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m not a dance hall girl. The way I go crazy for cowboys, I’d never be able to take their money.”

Not bad, as far as fantasies go, but I’m pretty happy living in a century that has electricity and indoor plumbing. My idea of the West is The Three Amigos and/or Blazzing Saddles. I doubt the cowboy life is anything like those two movies, though.

I don’t get people who romanticize the past. Life was hard, yo. Also, racism and stuff. Seriously, I’ve been watching Legends of Tomorrow and there isn’t one time period they can go to in the past where Jefferson doesn’t have to face some sort of truly horrible racism. Time travel isn’t easy when you’re black.

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Is Playboy the one truly international brand? I swear every country has their very own version of the skin mag. According to Wiki, they might not be in EVERY country, but they’ve definitely got a good hold on most of the world.

Countries that have their own edition, not counting the States, are as follows: Mongolia (2012–), Thailand (2012–), Philippines (2008–)South Africa (1993–1996, 2011–2013)Venezuela (2006–), Argentina (1985–1995, 2006–), Brazil (1975–), Colombia (2008–), Mexico (1976–1998, 2002–), Austria (2012–) (only special issues from time to time), Bulgaria (2002–), Croatia (1997–), Czech Republic (1991–), Estonia (2007–)Germany (1972–)Greece (1985–), Hungary (1989–1993, 1999–), Israel (2013–)Italy (1972–2003, 2008–)Latvia (2010–)Lithuania (2008–), Macedonia (2010– )Moldova (2012–)Netherlands (1983–), Poland (1992–)Portugal (2009, 2012–)Romania (1999–), Russia (1995–), Serbia (2004–)Slovakia (1997–2002, 2005–), Slovenia (2001–), Spain (1978–), and the Ukraine (2005–).

And here’s a handful of countries that used to have their own edition of Playboy: Indonesia (2006–2007)Singapore, Hong Kong (1986–1993), Taiwan (1990–2003), Japan (1975–2009), Georgia (country) (2007–2009)Norway (1998–1999), Sweden (1998–1999), Turkey (1986–1995), France (1973–2011), and Australia (1979–2000).

As you can see, Taiwan used to have their own edition in the ’90s, but it folded in 2003. Too bad, because as far as I can tell from this photoshoot, they did pretty well. Although, for a Taiwanese edition it does come off as rather American.

To be honest, the model Zheng Jia Yu kind of comes off as the “diversity” cast member from Beverly Hills 90210, except Berverly Hills 90210 didn’t have a “diversity” character.

Unless you count Andrea (far left) who was Jewish and therefore “other.”

That show was the whitest show of all the shows. The characters also spent a lot of time in a diner that had that ’50s vibe and rode around in convertibles. Basically, I’m saying this photoshoot was taken inside a Taiwanese Peach Pit. You’ve seen the show, you know what I’m talking about.

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Wow Yianna Poliakou is so damn pretty. She looks a little bit like Jennifer Lawrence. Just a little bit… around the eyes I think. I also get Claudia Schiffer vibes, but that might just be because of the hair. Oh, and Gigi Hadid vibes too, again, probably the hair.

Pictures number four and five are really killing me. Some of these pics suffer from early 2000s styling and the makeup feels really dated, but the more “natural” pics are stunning. I’m surprised Yianna wasn’t a bigger name in the fashion porn industry.

When I Google her name I find a few other photoshoots besides this one, but not much else. All the info appears to be in, what I’m guessing is, Greek, so I have no idea what happened to this blonde beauty.

All this she-looks-like-so-and-so has sent me down the internet rabbit hole looking for old pics of Claudia Schiffer. I was looking for a particular ad I remember from when I was 15-years-old, but I couldn’t find it. Then I decided to Google “the most beautiful woman in the world” and the first pic that came up was a picture of Nina Dobrev.

That was surprising.

Don’t get me wrong, Dobrev is definitely stunning, but I was expecting to see Angelina Jolie or maybe Monica Bellucci. One thing Google and I can agree on is that the most beautiful woman in the world is definitely a brunette. Maybe Yianna Poliakou would have had a longer and more profitable career if she had dyed her hair brown.

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Do you know what I hate about summer? The birds start chirping at three in the morning some days. I swear, there you are trying to get some quality alone time in the middle of the night and the damn birds won’t leave you alone. I can understand why some people would grab a shotgun and start shooting out their bedroom window (living room in my case, although by the time I make it to my bedroom the problem won’t be any better).

Oh, don’t worry. It’s not like I would actually kill a bird just because it was driving me crazy. I am somewhat of an animal activist even though I ran over the Easter Bunny just the other week. I say somewhat of an animal activist, because I still meat. I just don’t want animals to be hurt in any way, at least the non-edible ones.

The one good thing about summer, though, is the nude sunbathing. I don’t partake in it myself, because fair skin and cancer, but if you’re lucky enough to live in an area where there’s a nude beach you can stroll on over and see lots of boob and peen.

Perhaps you can even feast your eyes on someone like good ol’ Sabrina here. People who frequent nude beaches generally aren’t in the habit of getting on all fours and spreading their ass cheeks so you can see their assholes. 4

That said, you can never be too sure what you’ll see in this world. I for one thought I would never an inflatable penis so big it could serve as a floating device, but I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong. Pretty sure I’m going to dream about that thing once the birds shut up and I can finally fall asleep.

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