This Sexpert Clearly Has Never Been To Arizona In June

by CALICO RUDASILL on July 13, 2018

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

I’m always open to suggestion when it comes to tips which are supposed to improve my sex life, but every so often I run across one which I can immediately dismiss as impracticable without ever experimenting with them.

Take the so-called “Hot Lunch” position, for instance, which has been recommended to me by more than a few sources. While I’m sure there are great oral pleasures to be derived from achieving and maintaining this collaborative posture, I’m equally certain that if I contorted my body to match that of the female figure in that diagram, I’d last about 14 seconds before I passed out, or developed a stitch in my side which caused me to cancel everything I have planned between now and December.

Other suggestions are probably great for people of the right body shape, but not such a swell idea for others (assuming the “Clock” position would be asking WAY too much of my husband’s elbow strength, for example) – or just fine if you live somewhere the summer temperature stays below that of the surface of the sun, but potentially fatal for those of who live in the Arizona desert.

No, The Birds Are Hiding – And Praying For Dusk To Come

“The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and our sex drives are at an all-time high,” sex expert Britanny Burr told Bustle in explaining her recommendation of the “Three-Legged Dog” position for the month of June.

From where I currently sit – which, for the record, is inside a climate-controlled living room in southern Arizona – I’d say we’re one-for-three on Burr’s list of June features here…. by which I mean yes, the sun is definitely shining.

“During the winter, our sex lives tend to take a little dip for various reasons, whether that be fatigue, or literally just the lack of motivation to go outside,” Burr continued. “Embrace the month of June and the entire summer for all the good sex it has to offer.”

This sounds great – except when it comes to the “motivation to go outside” part. Here in southern Arizona, the winter is the only time many of us feel particularly motivated to go outside, because here once April rolls around our UV Index number, on a scale of 1 to 12, rises to approximately 137.

Burr says Three-Legged Dog is “perfect to ease you into the summer heat with a little bit of adventure without pushing it too far from the winter slump,” but trust me: there’s simply no way to “ease” into 114 degrees.

You can melt into 114, you can possibly even evaporate into 114, but easing into 114 just isn’t a thing.

Read Carefully, Because Accidental Tip-Combination Is Not Advised

Sometimes, when I read things too quickly, I wind up doing things the author of the sex tip never anticipated and presumably didn’t intend to recommend.

In the context of the Three-Legged-Dog-for-June recommendation, for example, my brain somehow got the idea I was being told to fuck in the shower with my clothes on.

In my defense, both these position-enjoyment enhancements are recommended in the article, they’re just recommended separately.

“This position is AMAZING for shower sex,” Burr notes, before later adding that there’s “nothing hotter than the kind of sex that just can’t wait, the kind where you don’t have time to take your clothes off and nothing can get in your way.”

Thankfully, while I’d already decided trying Three-Legged Dog in the shower with our clothes on was a good workaround for beating the June heat, my husband vetoed the idea and demanded to see the article for himself before we tried it.

Of course, because he’s so easily distracted, instead of having sex in any position anywhere in the house, I soon found myself answering the question “What 10 books would you want when stranded on a deserted island?

Calico Rudasil is a (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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