Top 5: Bizarre Sexual Phobias

by Lola Byrd on October 3, 2012

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Sex is probably one of the greatest things about being human and alive. I’m sure monkey sex ain’t bad at all, but let’s not even mention dead monkey sex. It’s such a wonderful and simple act (alive human sex, not dead monkey sex) that you’d think we’d stop driving ourselves nuts because of it, but noooooo, like everything else, we have to mess it up with insecurities, and guilt, and all other manner of bullshit.

However, for the most part, the majority of us lead healthy and plentiful sex lives. The kind to write home about… unless you’re writing home to mom, but sadly, for some people, the greatest act that can be shared between two people becomes a dreadful experience because of sexual phobias.

As if love and safe sex didn’t complicate matters enough, our obsessive and  stubborn minds put road blocks between us and our happy place with a little help from phobias.

Phobias never make sense. We can rationalize the hell out of them, and it doesn’t make a lick of difference. You can’t talk yourself out of deep seeded fear; it’s pathological. Being mortally afraid of clowns is one thing; just avoid circuses and children birthday parties for the rest of your life, but imagine being afraid of sex?! That’s like having a constant urge to pee and being afraid of the toilet. You can’t win. Unless you’re afraid of having sex indoors, because then you just have a neat excuse for doing it in dirty alleys.

5. Parthenophobia

Parthenophobia; the irrational fear of virgins and young females, isn’t such a bad deal in phobia land, especially if you’re old as dust… It’s a built-in cock blocker. You never have to worry about accidentally fucking someone who’s just a month shy of their 18th birthday and you’ll never gross out your children by marrying someone they went to high school with.

4. Gymnophobia

Gymnophobia; the irrational fear of nudity (not to be confused with never nudes), is a real bummer. Nudity kind of goes hand-in-hand with sex, but there’s a way around it. Ladies, I say, wear lots of dresses with low cut front to increase ease of access without ever having to disrobe. Dudes, well… all you guys have to do is unzip.

3. Ithyphallophobia & Its Sister Phobia Eurotophobia

Ithyphallophobia; the fear of seeing, having, or thinking about erections, can really put a damper on your love life when you’re attracted to dudes. I would strongly recommend developing a taste for pussy. Unless you suffer from Eurotophobia, which the fear of female genitalia. Don’t wait, kill yourself now if you’re unlucky enough to suffer from both.

2. Malaxophobia

Malaxophobia; the fear of foreplay. Thousands of women have just cried in unison: “Noooooo, now that it’s an actual medical condition, he’s never gonna take the time to make me wet before plunging in for some fuck.”

1. Coitophobia

Coitophobia; the fear of sex itself, has got to be the worst phobia in the universe. There’s just no way around that one. Sexual claustrophobics can at least have sex outside, but what the hell do you do when there’s no option B?! Hopefully, blow-jobs don’t fall under this category, because then you’d be really screwed, or not screwed, which ever is the worst case scenario for you.

Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd.

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